Category: Amusements

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.” Continue reading “1 October 2006 – Amusements”

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. “When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!

Then Grandpa said sadly, “You can’t do that anymore because they got those darn video cameras everywhere.” Continue reading “24 September 2006 – Amusements”

Lewis’s wife on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“I’m going to San Jose,” says the geek, “to a UNIX convention.”

Later, Lewis picks his wife up at the airport.

“How was the flight?” he asks.

“OK, I guess,” she says. “I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for.”

“Why’d you feel sorry for him?”

“He didn’t have any testicles.”

“What!” Lewis was shocked. “And just how did you learn that?”

“Because he said he was going to a eunuchs’ convention.” Continue reading “17 September 2006 – Amusements”

Actual announcements that London tube train drivers have made to their passengers (allegedly):

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now … ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”

“We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

“Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen… Unfortunately, towels are not provided.”

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause…) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….”

“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”

“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage – what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!”

“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.” Continue reading “29 January 2006 – Amusements”

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day he brought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss!” He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!” Continue reading “22 January 2006 – Amusements”

The other day I was talking with my buddy Iggy Kowalski about people we knew, and it seemed like he knew everybody. So I said to him, “Iggy, it seems like you know everyone in the world!”

Iggy said, “I do! I know every single person in the world.”

Well, this was ridiculous of course and I told him so, and he gave me three tries to name people he didn’t know. I thought about it for a minute, and then said, “I’ll bet you don’t know my butcher, Stan Marciano.”

“Oh sure,” says Iggy. “Stan used to come over to my house every Saturday for my famous Shish-kabob dinner! How’s his son Ralph? Still getting into trouble with that skateboard of his?”

Foiled, I thought some more. I had to think of someone who lived out of the city, out of the State. My old friend from school on the other coast, Joseph Bakerman, came to mind. “Oh yeah – I met Joe at a shoeshine convention – he does my taxes and his wife Kate sends me the most wonderful fruitcake every Christmas! Great people.”

Finally, in exasperation, I say, “OK, wise-guy, I’ll bet you don’t know the Pope!”

 “The Pope!” says Iggy. “We grew up together! Used to play pin-the-tail on the heretic!”

I had never known Iggy to be a liar, but in desperation I said, “Prove it!”

“OK,” he said. “Next week is Easter. Let’s you and me go to the Vatican and I’ll introduce you.” This was a little extreme, but I had to stick to my guns and so I accepted. When our plane arrived at the airport there were huge crowds that just got thicker as we made our way to St. Peter’s Square. We tried to find a way in around the back, but to no avail. Iggy said, “Look, I’m a small guy and can slip through the crowds easily. Will it be enough proof for you if I stand on the balcony with the Pope during his address?”

“If you’re standing with the Pope during his Easter address, I will believe that you know him.”

Iggy slipped off through the masses, and I tried to work my way around to the front of St. Peter’s Basilica. But I just couldn’t get to a spot where I could see the balcony. Way off in the distance I saw a hill from which I could surely have a direct line of sight. It was in the countryside, way out of town, and I barely made it there before the end of the address. But I couldn’t see the balcony well enough; it was too far away! Off in the distance, I saw an old man, herding his goats. I thought to myself, “Surely he must have good eyesight to keep track of all those goats running around everywhere.” I approached him and digging deep for Italian phrases said, “Excuse me, sir, but can you see that big building way over there with all the statues on top?”

Squinting into the distance, he said, “Yes, yes, I believe I can.”

“And can you see a large balcony above the main door in the middle of the building?” He squinted even more, his bushy eyebrows closing in on his eyes.

“Yes, yes, I believe I can.”

“And is there anyone standing on that balcony?”

He squinted even more, which hadn’t seemed possible. “Yes, yes, I believe there is.”

“And,” I said, “can you tell me who is standing on that balcony?”

His face did something I had never seen before, and I could hardly believe that he could see through those bushy eyebrows. He peered into the distance for a long while, and then said, “Well, I don’t know who that guy in the big pointed hat is, but he’s standing next to Iggy Kowalski!”

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A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling “Mush! Mush!”

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — “Mush! Mush!”

Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it’s a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it’s for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, “He-elp!”

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I’ve been wandering around this desert for days, my water’s all gone and I’m completely lost!”

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, “You think YOU’RE lost!” Continue reading “8 January 2006 – Amusements”

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.

“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.” Continue reading “1 January 2006 – Amusements”