Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. “When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I’d get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves of bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!
Then Grandpa said sadly, “You can’t do that anymore because they got those darn video cameras everywhere.”
Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main highway at Goobies, Newfoundland. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot was empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the truly proud Newfoundlander. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation–the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost– water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting “dry ice” as the answer), a previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word “burrito.”
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
“What’s the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
“None,” replied the officer. “It’s all part of the service.”
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anna, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anna decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anna prepares herself for bed and shortly after hears the expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anna hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally. Again he is ready for more “action”.
Somewhat surprised, Anna consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but — aha you guessed it — Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more “action”. And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.”
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anna and says, “You mean I was here already?”