Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they’re such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won’t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?”
“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
From Wendy Greene….
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married but was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.!
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
And also from Wendy….
There’s more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
From Dad….
For those who love ambiguity
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Is it possible to have a civil war?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?