A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling “Mush! Mush!”
Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — “Mush! Mush!”
Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it’s a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it’s for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, “He-elp!”
The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I’ve been wandering around this desert for days, my water’s all gone and I’m completely lost!”
The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, “You think YOU’RE lost!”
Drunk guy: “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead!”
Drunk girl: “What’s that mean?”
Drunk guy: “It’s an Irish toast.”
Drunk girl: “Oh. Well, here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”
Drunk guy: “Huh?”
Drunk girl: “That’s French toast.”
A policeman was interviewing 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.”
“Wow! I can’t believe it! You’re right, the suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”