Good morning to you all and be prepared to share in a fantastic discovery which I have recently unearthed and one which will undoubtedly bring fame and fortune to us all. (Well, I can see how it will bring fame although I must confess the “fortune” bit may not be so obvious at the moment but I am sure that the more financially astute amongst us will find a way of converting this discovery into hard currency). I am already preparing to write it up for New Scientist and other leading scientific journals but I thought I should let you all in on the news before it becomes more widely known.
My discovery came about on Tuesday which was our first day back at work in the New Year. Naturally, a bit of background is required so allow me the small distraction of a minimal digression. Over the Christmas break while I was not “on holiday” I have been “working at home” most days. Clearly this is advantageous in various ways – schools are not in session so teachers are not calling the centre with queries; if I do not need to travel to the centre I can save a considerable amount in petrol and other expenses, never mind saving the planet by not driving to Oxford and contributing to global warming. Working at home also has the distinct advantage that I do not need to emerge from the warmth and comfort of bed on these cold and frosty mornings at quite such a depressingly early hour and, perhaps most importantly for this discovery, I can lounge around in my “play” clothes (or, indeed, if I were so-minded – and assuming, of course, that Ms Playchute would allow it – in my birthday suit).
So, as you know, over the Christmas break we lounged around (in between many long and arduous sessions “working from home” of course), ate a bit, drank a bit and generally had a very relaxing and comfortable holiday season. On Tuesday morning, as I prepared to get ready to go to work I encountered an amazing phenomenon which hitherto can only be described as one of life’s great, unsolved mysteries.
During the two weeks when I had been more or less exclusively dressed in my “play” clothes, it seems that all my work clothes (my good clothes, as it were) had mysteriously and inexplicitly shrunk.
There’s no other way of describing the situation, I’m afraid. All the trousers which I might wear to work had distinctly and definitely reduced their waistline by up to two inches and the majority of the shirts I might wear were similarly reduced in size. All my sweaters were tight and any items of clothing which hitherto might have been described as being somewhat on the generous size now seemed to fit reasonably well or, again, had become too small.
The real questions, of course, are two-fold: why has no one previously discovered this phenomenon and why does it happen? What has clearly stumped scientists for years has now become blindingly clear to me and I can now reveal the answers to those two questions.
Firstly, why has no one discovered this previously? Simple – not many of us get to spend up to two weeks clothed only in comfortable, well-stretched “play” clothes and, as we know, when things happen gradually we generally fail to notice. Take, for example, fingernails – we don’t actually ever see them grow but if we don’t do anything for a couple of weeks, all of a sudden we notice that our fingernails need cutting. Similarly, our hair grows but we don’t see it growing until, all of a sudden, we need a haircut.
The situation is similar with clothes shrinking – generally we wear the clothes every so often and don’t notice that they are constantly and continually growing smaller. Indeed, one might argue that the more or less continually wearing of the clothes in question in fact tends to counteract the shrinking by posing some resistance and stretching. Think about all those clothes that you only wear once in a blue moon – when you go to try them on what do you discover – they’ve shrunk!
So, to the real question – why do they shrink? And this is where I feel I have made a considerable break through – I’ve no doubt the Nobel prize committee will be giving me a call any day soon, as soon, in fact, as I have published the results of my deliberations.
Clearly there is only one explanation. We know that clothes do have a tendency to shrink if washed in water which is too hot or if being dried in a tumble dryer when they were not designed for this. So, if we deduce that heat is involved then clearly the answer must be..
Global Warming
If the ambient temperature is rising and if clothes are affected by heat then the shrinkage must be caused by global warming. It’s just that the effect is so gradual most of the time so as to be almost unobservable. It’s only when one has an opportunity to conduct a rigorously controlled scientific experiment that one can see the changes which are too small to be observed on a daily basis. So, how many of the rest of you suffered from the same mysterious shrinking phenomenon? Isn’t it nice to know that it’s nothing to do with eating or drinking too much over Christmas but rather an inescapable impact of global warming.
Love to you all,
Greg