Category: Amusements

Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favourite….

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. Continue reading “27 April 2014 – Amusements”

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. It was the first day of class, and the teacher told them now that they were in grade school, the rule is, “No baby talk!”

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she told them.

So with that clear, she began by asking John (not Johnny!) what he had done over summer vacation.

“We went to visit my Nana,” he said.

“No,” the teacher replied, “you went to visit your grandmother. No baby talk! Use ‘Big People’ words!”

She then asked Michelle what she had done over vacation.

“We took a ride on a choo-choo!” she replied.

“No,” she said. “You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.”

She then asked little Alex what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

“Winnie the Shit!” Continue reading “20 April 2014 – Amusements”

We’ve had this before but it never gets old because it is so accurate!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!” Continue reading “13 April 2014 – Amusements”

Sarah had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

A few days later, a neighbour came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbour added, “All of us were so glad that the fire on your stove your husband had when cooking fried eggs while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.” Continue reading “6 April 2014 – Amusements”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples’. Continue reading “30 March 2014 – Amusements”

A mother decided to try a new recipe for corn-bread muffins using fresh corn. After tasting one, her seven-year-old son made no comment. “Honey,” she asked, “do you notice anything different about my muffins?”

“Yeah, Mom,” he replied. “They’re not burned.” Continue reading “23 March 2014 – Amusements”

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.”

“So what do you do?”

The father replied: “I send him to my room!” Continue reading “16 March 2014 – Amusements”

A man was sitting on a lonely beach. Tragically, through a childhood accident, he had lost both both of his arms and both of his legs. During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said: “Have you ever had a hug?”

The man looked up and saw the woman was quite pretty. Sensing an opportunity he said, “No.” So she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said: “Have you ever had a kiss?”

The man looked up and saw this woman was even prettier. “No,” he said with anticipation, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said: “Have you ever been screwed?”

The man looked up and saw this one was drop-dead gorgeous. With anticipation welling up, and swallowing hard so he could talk, the fellow croaked out, “No.”

“Well, you will be in a few minutes,” she said, walking by. “The tide’s coming in.” Continue reading “9 March 2014 – Amusements”

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”

He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?” Continue reading “2 March 2014 – Amusements”

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.  When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”

“They called back!” Continue reading “23 February 2014 – Amusements”