Category: Amusements

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

“That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I know. But I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.” Continue reading “6 July 2014 – Amusements”

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note so I could complain to my local police about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my debit card. Nonetheless, I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little more clear. Continue reading “29 June 2014 – Amusements”

Pretty sure we’ve had this before:

Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we are going live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.” One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?” Continue reading “22 June 2014 – Amusements”

A young couple had a five-year-old son who seemed normal in every way except one. Never in his whole life had he uttered a word. Naturally, the parents took him to speech therapists, child psychologists and psychiatrists, none of whom could explain his condition, let alone teach him to talk. Resigned to the idea that he would be mute all his life, they provided a good home with lots of love.

One morning he came to breakfast as usual and about halfway through, he looked around and said, “The toast is burned.”

Flabbergasted, the parents expressed their amazement and asked, “Why have you never spoken before?”

The child calmly replied, “Well, up to now, everything’s been okay.” Continue reading “15 June 2014 – Amusements”

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After enquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.

“Oh! Ted died last month. He went out to the garden to cut a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch.”

“Oh dear! I’m very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”

“Called and had a pizza delivered instead.” Continue reading “8 June 2014 – Amusements”

This came from our friend Erik Benson in France:

MY WIFE’S RIDE-ON LAWN MOWER IS NOW FOR SALE !

Here’s the story. It’s still hard to believe the way it turned out.

My wife said she wanted a ride-on lawn mower. She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work, and I thought that a ride-on lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside.

So, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a ride-on lawn mower. I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug. I even put a light on it so she could work at night (see photo below), after she finishes putting away the dinner dishes.

To this day I still can’t understand why some women are so hard to please!!

P.S.

I can see out of my left eye pretty good now and should be able to leave the hospital sometime next week! Continue reading “1 June 2014”

“How come you’re late?” asked the bartender, as the cocktail waitress walked into the bar.

“It was awful,” she explained. “I was walking down Elm Street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere! Thank God I took that first-aid course!”

“Did you splint his broken leg?” the bartender asked.

“No….” the girl said.

“Did you wrap his head in gauze?” he asked.

“No….” the girl said.

“Did you dress his wounds?” he asked, starting to really wonder.

“No….” the girl said.

“Well, what did you do that you learned in your first-aid class?” he finally asked.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!” Continue reading “25 May 2014 – Amusements”

We’ve had this before . . .

A duck went into a grocery store and said, “Have you got any grapes?”

The grocer answered, “No, sorry,” and the duck went away.

A little while later the duck came back and said, “Have you got any grapes?”

The grocer, once again, said, “No, sorry, we still don’t have any grapes.” So the duck went away.

After a while the duck came into the store again and said, “Have you got any grapes?”

The grocer, getting a bit annoyed now, said, “Look, I told you before, we don’t have any grapes!”

The duck went away.

The duck came back yet again: “Have you got any grapes?”

Really angry now the grocer replied, “Look if you come back in here again asking for grapes I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!”

The duck went away.

You guessed it, back came the duck. This time he said, “Have you got any nails?”

The grocer answered, “No, sorry.”

And the duck said, “Have you got any grapes?” Continue reading “18 May 2014 – Amusements”

My banana bread was baking in the oven when my teenage son came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. “That bread smells about done, don’t you think, Mom?” he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine.

A little later he repeated his suggestion. “Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it.”

Always quick to come to my defense, my younger son said, “Eddie, Mom’s been burning that banana bread for years. I think she knows when to take it out.” Continue reading “11 May 2014 – Amusements”

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend. “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills and the bull serviced all my cows,” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbor’s cows. He’s a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.” Continue reading “4 May 2014 – Amusements”