Category: Amusements

Summer was coming to a close. The Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be severe or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught old secrets; when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell how the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be safe, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be bad and that everybody should collect wood and be prepared.

Being a practical leader, he had an idea after a few days. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked “Is the coming winter going to be bad?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be terrible,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “It definitely will be very severe.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!” Continue reading “25 September 2011 – Amusements”

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere. ”

The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Continue reading “18 September 2011 – Amusements”

These from Dad.

PARAPROSDOKIANS

I had to look up “paraprosdokian”. Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.

So, here are more paraprosdokians; enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public..
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify: ‘I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.  So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
32. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
33. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever
35. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
36. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
37. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
38. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
39. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
40. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Words of Wisdom: “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” Continue reading “4 September 2011 – Amusements”

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he’d like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. “What would you like to take when you attend college?” they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, “The refrigerator, if you can get along without it.” Continue reading “28 August 2011 – Amusements”

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

“Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?”

“Have you tried sandpaper?” Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it.

“Pinocchio,” said Gepetto a few weeks later. “How did the problem work out with your girlfriend?”

Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?” Continue reading “21 August 2011 – Amusements”

The Irish have the lowest levels of stress because they do not take medical terminology seriously:

Medical Term	Irish Definition
Artery	The study of paintings
Bacteria	The back door to the cafeteria
Barium	What doctors do when patients die
Benign	What you be after you be eight
Caesarean Section	A nieghbourhood in Rome
Cat scan	Searching for kitty
Cauterize	Made eye contact with her
Colic	A sheep dog
Coma	A punctuation mark
Dilate	To live long
Enema	Not a friend
Fester	Quicker than someone else
Fibula	A small lie
Impotent	Distinguished, well-known
Labour Pain	Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff	A doctor’s cane
Morbid	A high offer
Nitrates	Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than days
Node	I knew it
Outpatient	A person who has fainted
Pelvis	Second cousin to Elvis
Post-Operative	A letter carrier
Recovery Room	Place to do upholstery
Rectum	Nearly killed him
Secretion	Hiding something
Seizure	Roman Emperor
Tablet	A small table
Terminal illness	Getting sick at the airport
Tumour	One plus one more
Urine	Opposite of you’re out

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Continue reading “14 August 2011 – Amusements”

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally, conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.” The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

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John and Suzi had just flown to their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach in Florida. They found their hotel room but decided to refresh themselves with a dip in the hotel pool. Suzi must have dropped a few pounds due to the pre-wedding jitters, because each time she dived into the pool, she lost either the top or bottom of her skimpy new bikini. They had the pool to themselves, so they just laughed and retrieved the pieces.

Later they dressed for dinner and went down to the hotel restaurant. Waiting for a table they sat in the lounge with all the other guests and ordered drinks. Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank. Curious, John asked, “Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?”

The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied, “That’s not a fish tank, it’s the swimming pool.”

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A man walked into the produce section of a local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: “Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”

The manager was looking behind the boy, so the boy turned around to see the man standing right behind him. So he quickly added: “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy: “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.”

“Thank you, sir,” the boy replied.

“Where are you from, son?”

“Texas, sir.”

“Well, why did you leave Texas?” the manager asked.

The boy said “Sir, there’s nothing down there but whores and football players!”

“Really,” said the manager. “My wife is from Texas.”

“No kidding!” replied the boy. “What position does she play?”

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We visited our newly married daughter who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.”

“Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!” Continue reading “31 July 2011 – Amusements”

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”

The man said, “Well, officer. I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”

The officer, in surprise, said,” What!? Do you have a registration for the vehicle?”

So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine. I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”

The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”

The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.” The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.

The man said, “Yes, officer here it is right here.”

It all checked out so the officer said,” Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”

The man laughs and says, “No, officer why would there be a gun in the glove box?” He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk. No dead body.

The second officer says, “Sir, I do not understand. The officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.” Continue reading “24 July 2011 – Amusements”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.

“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.” Continue reading “17 July 2011 – Amusements”