Category: Amusements

I think we’ve had this before but what the heck:

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out.

Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer.

The officer saw the whole thing and said “You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn’t even notice that your arm was ripped off as well”

The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said “OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!” Continue reading “4 December 2011 – Amusements”

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had run into one another virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, “He wouldn’t let me have my half of the road!”

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, “That old lady says that you wouldn’t let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, “Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road — if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!” Continue reading “27 November 2011 – Amusements”

A man returns in the morning to a bar in which he’d spent the previous night. “Is it true that I drank $100 worth of booze here last night?” he asks.

“You did in fact drink $100 worth of alcohol here last night,” the bartender assures him.

“Thank God,” the man says, greatly relieved. “I was afraid I’d lost that money.” Continue reading “20 November 2011 – Amusements”

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?”

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.”

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells.

“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…”

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office. Continue reading “13 November 2011 – Amusements”

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. “All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall.”

Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained.

He looked at the officer and sincerely said, “Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, Sarge.” Continue reading “6 November 2011 – Amusements”

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”

The other fisherman replies, “If you just go up the stream until the water isn’t salty, there are a ton of hungry fish.”

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, “Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty.” He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.

“Nope. Still salty.” Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. “Nope, still salty.” One hour later, they check again. “Nope. Still salty.”

“This isn’t good,” the fisherman finally says, “We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is  still salty.”

“I know,” says the other. “And the bucket is almost empty!” Continue reading “30 October 2011 – Amusements”

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before. Continue reading “23 October 2011 – Amusements”

This from Dad:

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx Continue reading “16 October 2011 – Amusements”

Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. Mister explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is there first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, “why don’t you just double the recipe?” She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call — this time quite frantic.

“I just can’t do it,” wifely weeps. “It’s impossible.”

“Now, now, what’s the matter?”

“Well, their recipe calls for two eggs…”

“So, you use FOUR eggs. Don’t you have them?”

“Yes — then it needs 4 cups of flour.”

“Well,” hubby says rather testily, “you will have to use 8 cups of flour — what is the problem?”

“It isn’t the ingredients,” wife sobs, “it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can’t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!” Continue reading “9 October 2011 – Amusements”

Sallie sent these along. We’ve had most of them before, I think, but there are a few ones that I’ve not seen before or, if I have I’ve forgotten.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! Continue reading “2 October 2011 – Amusements”