Greg's Occasional News & Views
I was dining in our Georgia town, when a tourist stopped by my table. “Excuse me,” he said. “My wife loves your sandals. Did you buy them somewhere locally?”
”Yes, just down the street,” I said.
“May I ask how much they cost?”
“They were $77.”
“Thank you.” He then hollered to his wife, “Honey, she got them in Florida!” Continue reading “1 July 2012 – Amusements”
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, “The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, sir.” Continue reading “24 June 2012 – Amusements”
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”
The next day, the pastor was over at Emily’s family’s house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.” Continue reading “17 June 2012 – Amusements”
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth… Continue reading “10 June 2012 – Amusements”
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say… LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!” Continue reading “3 June 2012 – Amusements”
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting next to a river, and she dropped her thimble into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “No, sir.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, “No, sir.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress smiled and replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.
“Yes!” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. “You lied!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord — it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that’s why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.”
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of the story: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.
Signed,
“Get this,” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.” Continue reading “20 May 2012 – Amusments”
Jack walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Jack started to leave.
“Excuse me,” said a customer who was puzzled over what Jack had done, “What was that all about?”
“Ah, it was nothin’,” said Jack, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.” Continue reading “13 May 2012 – Amusements”
This is particularly for our pal Pete and his love and admiration for the Chicago Cubs:
60 above – Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above – New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above – Italian cars won’t start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above – Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan’s water gets thicker.
20 above – Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above – New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees – Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below – People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below – Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago’s Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below – Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago’s Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below – Mount St. Helen’s freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
297 below – Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below – ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . . “Cold ’nuff for ya??”
500 below – Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series. Continue reading “6 May 2012 – Amusements”
I think we’ve had a variation of this one before but what the heck:
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…?
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a f***ing wall!”
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform. She asked. “Are you a policeman?”
“Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report.
“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her.
“Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”