Category: Amusements

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back. . .”

“But officer, I just wanted to say. . .”

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”  Continue reading “9 September 2012 – Amusements”

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!” Continue reading “2 September 2012 – Amusements”

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.” Continue reading “26 August 2012 – Amusements”

I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. “Where’s your mother?” I asked.

“She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I’ll see.” Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, “Yep, she’s in the shower.” Continue reading “19 August 2012 – Amusements”

Penny and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. “Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, “What the heck, I’ll give her a treat.” So I turned and walked her past it again. Continue reading “12 August 2012 – Amusements”

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.

“Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.

“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”

“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”

“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.” Continue reading “5 August 2012 – Amusements”

This came from Sarah. We might have had it before but it’s still cute.

God said: “Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.”

St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. Continue reading “29 July 2012 – Amusements”

In case of emergency this is good to know. I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn’t believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my life-like men, which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.

And, of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here lady?!!!!!”

“My car has a flat tire,” I said calmly.

“Well, what the h—- are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So I told him, “Helloooooo, those are my Emergency Flashers.” Continue reading “22 July 2012 – Amusements”

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

“Why don’t you do that?” said the wife.

“Honey,” replied her husband, “I don’t even know that woman!” Continue reading “15 July 2012 – Amusements”

Mary and Sue hadn’t seen each other for years. When they finally sat down to lunch, Mary was stunned at how trim and healthy Sue looked. Mary asked “What do you do to stay so fit?”

“Well,” answered Sue, “I’ve found that nothing keeps me trimmer than having affairs.”

“Really!” exclaimed Mary, looking her friend up and down. “You simply must tell me who does your catering!” Continue reading “8 July 2012 – Amusements”