Category: Amusements

We’ve had this before but, as the person who sent it to me remarked, the old ones are the best.

A guy is driving around the back streets of Chippenham when he sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: Talking Dog For Sale. So, he stops and rings the bell. The owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

“In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible  dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a  load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten quid,” the guy says.

“Ten quid?  This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the garden.” Continue reading “25 November 2012 – Amusements”

My girlfriend is a vegetarian. She said that I’m not a real animal lover because I eat meat and that if I really loved animals, I would only eat lettuce, vegetables, and grains.

I said, “If you really loved animals, you’d stop eating all their food.” Continue reading “18 November 2012 – Amusements”

I’m pretty sure Dad sent this one along – if not, apologies for an incorrect attribution.

FROZEN CRABS & The BLONDE

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up.

So she took them home and ate them and they were simply delicious.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think Continue reading “11 November 2012 – Amusements”

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O’Reilly wandered by.

“Help!” Barty shouted, “Oi’m sinkin’!”

Don’t worry,” assured Mick. “Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi’m the strongest man in Erin, and Oi’ll pull ye right out o’ there.”

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty’s hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, “Shure, an’ Oi can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi’ll have to get some help.”

As Mick was leaving, Barty called “Mick! Mick!

D’ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups? Continue reading “4 November 2012 – Amusements”

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

“I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

“Oops!” Continue reading “28 October 2012 – Amusements”

I forget who sent me this so apologies for the lack of an accreditation.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?” Continue reading “21 October 2012 – Amusements”

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself.”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.” Continue reading “14 October 2012 – Amusements”

Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not necessarily good for women who just look pregnant.

Continue reading “7 October 2012 – Amusements”

A variation on one we’ve had before:

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appals him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.

Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue.

Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.

St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.

“You are a lawyer aren’t you?’

“Yes” the lawyer replies. “Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?”

“Oh, no, “Said St Peter. “It’s just you are the first one to ever get here.” Continue reading “30 September 2012 – Amusements”

It was rumoured that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the Indian questions which he was able to answer. A sceptical young man set out to find this Indian. When he did, he thought he’d conduct a test.

After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the Indian what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The Indian replied, “Eggs.”

The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct.

Ten years later the man comes across the Indian again. Very pleased to see him he greets him in the stereo-typical “How.”

The Indian looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies, “Scrambled.” Continue reading “16 September 2012 – Amusements”