Category: Amusements

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27 January 2013 – Amusements

These came from Erik Benson:

Wish I’d Said That!

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.

Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.

David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I’m a billionaire.

Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Betsy Salkind

The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.

Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.

Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.

Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

W.H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical.

Arthur C. Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?

Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Robert Benchley

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20 January 2013 – Amusements

I should have had this last week when I was working through our taxes. Not sure that the Revenue will accept this strategy but then again, all Vodaphone had to do was take the head of the service out to a very expensive dinner and he let them off something approaching £4 billion in unpaid taxes. Hey ho!

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.” Continue reading “20 January 2013 – Amusements”

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Old Advertisements

Dad sent me the following selection of old print advertisements the other day. They make interesting reading and provide a fascinating insight into the ways in which we and society have changed in the last forty or fifty to a hundred years. I wonder if, in a similar time span, we will look back on the current crop of advertisements with a similarly bemused outlook. My personal favourites: Cocaine toothache drops (what’s not to like), guns as suitable Christmas gifts, the tapeworm diet (as mentioned here before) and how television benefits your children. Click an image to see a larger version.

 

 

 

 

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13 January 2013 – Amusements

This came from Dad:

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

‘Kin ya swallar?’

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’ Continue reading “13 January 2013 – Amusements”

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6 January 2013 – Amusements

If you are struggling to come up with (or keep to) your New Year’s resolutions, the following advice may be helpful:

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?

Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?

Here are some example resolutions that you can use as a starting point.

1. I want to gain weight — at least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less (it makes you think — eww!)

4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more (starting tomorrow).

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Take up a new habit — maybe smoking.

8. Spend more time at work (surfing the web).

9. Stop bringing lunch from home — I should eat out more.

10. Start being superstitious.

11. Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.

12. Create some loose ends.

13. Buy more tech toys (need to replace obsolete ones bought 6 months ago).

14. Get further into debt (easy thanks to #13).

15. Wait for opportunity to knock.

16. Focus on the faults of others.

17. (Mainly, but not exclusively, for women): Eat more chocolate.

And the Absolute Easiest New Year’s Resolution to Keep:

18. Don’t believe politicians. Continue reading “6 January 2013 – Amusements”

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30 December 2012 – Amusements

I am sorry – I should have included this last week in time for the big day. Still, I employ these techniques most of the time.

Christmas Eating Tips

  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 5 Kilo plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
  8. Same for pies. Apple. Summer fruits, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one Summer. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
  10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
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23 December 2012 – Amusements

I received this from Penny’s sister Judi the other day. We’ve seen several previous incarnations but it is topical t this time of year:

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous any more. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED..

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Fucking Employees

DATE: October 5, 2012

RE: The F****** Holiday Party

I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you ****** weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2012

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

 

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9 December 2012 – Amusements

I’m pretty sure we’ve had this before but what the heck!

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But madam, this check is for $50.00.”

“That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.” Continue reading “9 December 2012 – Amusements”

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2 December 2012 – Amusements

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Flowers.”

“That’s right!” the boy said, “But, how did you know?”

“Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”

“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.

“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store-owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. “Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?”

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!” SURPRISE! Continue reading “2 December 2012 – Amusements”