Category: Amusements

Becky had prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however,  she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch so she called the  local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised to just boil the sauce again and it should be fine.

That night the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out through the silenced crowd, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They  want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.” Continue reading “23 June 2013 – Amusements”

A mother said to her grown-up daughter, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes because I eat too much fried food which makes me fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.”

The daughter shook her head in despair, “No, Mom,” she replied, “you have diabetes because no one runs in our family.” Continue reading “16 June 2013 – Amusements”

“Look at this mess!” roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.

“It’s just as you ordered it, sir,” the waitress replied meekly. “You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut, and step on it.” Continue reading “9 June 2013 – Amusements”

This came from Steph.

Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar.

“As good as this is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

The Irishman swore every word was true.

“Did this actually happen to you?” they asked.

“No not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.” Continue reading “2 June 2013 – Amusements”

A man whose wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.

So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said, “It’s a girl but there’s another one on the way.”

He rang again later and the nurse said, “It’s another girl but there’s another one coming.”

He rang once more and the nurse said, ” It’s a boy but there’s another one coming.”

He couldn’t stand it anymore so he went to the pub and got somewhat inebriated.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. He asked, “How many did we get mate?”

The person on the other end said, “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck.”

(I appreciate that may not make any sense to our non-British readers – it’s a cricket score. The team batting scored 198 runs before they were all out and the last batter was out “for a duck”, i.e., having scored no runs). Continue reading “26 May 2013 – Amusements”

I don’t normally use material such as the following but, for some reason, I decided to make an exception with this one:

Perhaps one of the most common jobs for young people as they work their way through college or try to pick up some extra money while still in high school is to work at local supermarkets. Most start out as baggers at the checkout counters, but occasionally promotions and opportunities come along and the chance for a little more money becomes important.

One young man had worked bagging groceries for a year but was fascinated by the work in the produce section of the store. He was particularly taken with the way the store took fresh oranges and made fresh orange juice for customers. One day the supermarket installed a new machine that squeezed juice at five times the previous rate. Intrigued by this new, high-tech device, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.

“Why?” the boy asked. “I’d really like this promotion.”

The store manager replied, “Sorry son, but baggers can’t be juicers.” Continue reading “19 May 2013 – Amusements”

Position

Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy

Job Description

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility For Advancement & Promotion

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages And Compensation

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.

Benefits

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Continue reading “12 May 2013 – Amusements”

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack with a .25 Calibre Pistol

A story of one woman’s self-control and marksmanship with a little .25 cal. against a fierce predator.

“While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive,” the woman recalled. “If I had not had my little .25 calibre Beretta with me I would not be here today!

“Just one shot to my husband’s knee was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by walking away. It’s one of the best pistols in my collection!” Continue reading “5 May 2013 – Amusements”

A salesman for a major beverage company returns from his assignment in the Middle East and reports his assignment was a total failure. “Tell me what happened,” his boss says.

“When I accepted the assignment,” replies the salesman, “I was confident I could turn a profit for the company there, since it was a brand new market and no one had ever tried our drink. But once I arrived, I realized that I had a problem: I didn’t speak their language.”

“So what did you do?” the boss probes.

“I decided to convey our message by using three posters. In the first, I showed a man crawling through the desert heat, exhausted and panting with thirst. The second poster shows the man having a drink of our cola. The final poster showed the man happy and totally refreshed. I had them plastered at every corner and in every market I could find.”

“That should have worked,” the boss chimes in. “Why didn’t it?”

“Well,” the salesman confesses, “not only did I not speak the language, but I also didn’t realize that most people in that country read from right to left.” Continue reading “28 April 2013 – Amusements”

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 if we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant ears on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen.

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, “You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that’s the first time in ten years we’ve been out of rye bread!” Continue reading “21 April 2013 – Amusements”