Category: Amusements

The career Naval Chief Petty Officer had one more task to complete before he could finally retire after being in the service since he was 17: his discharge medical exam.

The doctor gave him a thorough going over and was impressed. “You’re in excellent health,” he told the over-the-hill seaman. “Except one thing.”

“What’s that?” the CPO asked, looking a little nervous.

“You seem extraordinarily tense. We ruled out medical problems in the exam,” the doctor said, cautiously trying to probe the man’s psyche, “but I have a guess: when was the last time you had sexual relations?”

“1945,” came the reply.

“Well that just has to be it, then!” the astounded medic exclaimed.

“I don’t know why you’d think so, doc,” the E8 said, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 0845 now….” Continue reading “29 September 2013 – Amusements”

A man goes to the confessional and begins, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my son?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father,” says the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth, and began to run away.”

“Is that when you swore?” asks the priest again.

“Well, no,” says the man. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed priest.

“No, not yet,” the man replies. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear then?” asks the now impatient priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The priest sighs. “You missed the putt, didn’t you?” Continue reading “22 September 2013 – Amusements”

One would obviously never condone this sort of anti-social behaviour.

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: – Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall!

Baaaaam! They hit the wall.

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: – You good for nothing, I’ve been screaming for you to watch out, why didn’t you?

Jim answered him: – IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!! Continue reading “15 September 2013 – Amusements”

The manager of the bakery had just finished training 15-year-old Bitzi, his new hire. He had bent the rules a little by hiring her at her age, but he thought she was a good worker. “Okay, here’s your first task,” the manager said. “See those boxes over there? That’s our shipment of pies. Put half of them in the freezer and half of them in the oven.”

“Yes, sir,” Bitzi said enthusiastically. She went over to the boxes and started opening them.

“All done,” she said to the manager 30 minutes later. The manager thought she took a little long to do that one task.

“Half of the pies are in the oven?” he asked.

“Yes,” Bitzi answered. “I’ll show you.” She walked over to the oven and opened the door. Inside were several rows of pies that had all been cut in half. Continue reading “8 September 2013 – Amusements”

I just read about a medical study which said that having frequent sex decreases your chances of getting a cold. The more sex you have, the less chance you’ll have a cold. Something to do with boosting your red blood cells.

This is exactly the kind of thing I love to read. The government should be subsidizing this kind of research.

So I printed the article out. I can’t wait until the next time my wife sniffles or sneezes. I’ll be able to say, “Honey, I’ve got just the thing for that.” Continue reading “31 August 2013 – Amusements”

We’ve had it before but it still makes me chuckle (and, after all, that’s the only criteria that matters):

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. “It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?” Continue reading “28 July 2013 – Amusements”

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck! Continue reading “21 July 2013 – Amusements”

The hotel guest called room service, “I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, under cooked bacon, weak coffee, watery orange juice, and cold, hard, unbuttered toast.”

The room service clerk asked, “Why in the world would you want a terrible breakfast like that?”

“I’m homesick.” Continue reading “14 July 2013 – Amusements”

A slight variation on an old classic:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. “What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband.”

The woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.” Continue reading “7 July 2013 – Amusements”

One day a bachelor, who was a poor tipper, walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his ‘generosity’ and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. “Yeah? What can you tell about me?” he asked.

“You put three pennies in a neat row,” said the waitress, “and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are frugal and the second tells me that you are a bachelor.”

“That’s true,” he agreed. “But what does the third penny tell you?”

“The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too.” Continue reading “30 June 2013 – Amusements”