Greg's Occasional News & Views
The Great Superbo turns up at the music hall for an audition, dragging behind him an enormous steamer trunk. His act consists of hitting his head with a hammer, which forces out different notes from his mouth. He can perform many numbers, including God Save The King and My Old Man.
The theatre manager loves it. “Great act,” he says, “but what’s in the trunk?”
Since those of you in the States have just celebrated Thanksgiving, I thought I would share a few feeble Thanksgiving-themed amusements. And, please remember – I don’t make them up, I only pass them along.
A turkey farmer wanted to genetically engineer the perfect turkey for his family’s holiday meal. His turkeys were already delicious but there was one big problem: not enough drumsticks.
He was tired of all the fighting over the holiday table, so he decided to do something about it.
He spent years trying to selectively breed a turkey that would have enough drumsticks to go around. It became an obsession – he gave up socializing and became something of a hermit and a running joke in the town.
After several years of increasingly reclusive behavior, the other farmers were shocked when he turned up at their local watering hole.
“Well?!?” they asked him, en masse.
“I did it!” said the turkey farmer, “I bred one that has 6 legs!”
“Wow!” “Congratulations!” “We knew you’d pull it off!”
The bartender said, “That’s great, but we have to ask: How did it taste?”
“I don’t know…” said the farmer. “I never could catch the darn thing!” Continue reading “1 December 2013 – Amusements”
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it’s time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs.”
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t,” he replied. Continue reading “24 November 2013 – Amusements”
A variation on an old favourite:
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. ‘What if it doesn’t work?’ they wondered, ‘Are we stuck together forever?’
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs them, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?’
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, ‘It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a Lawyer?!’ Continue reading “17 November 2013 – Amusements”
An elderly rabbi wants to try pork before he dies. But terrified that one of his flock might see him, he drives 50 miles to a posh restaurant. They offer him a whole suckling piglet, and bring it out on a silver tray with garnish and an apple in its mouth.
Just as he is about to tuck in, he is appalled to see Goldberg, the president of his congregation. But he recovers. “Hey, Goldberg, how about this restaurant? I order a baked apple, and this is how they serve it!” Continue reading “10 November 2013 – Amusements”
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic too!
“OK,” the nun says “Pull into the next alley.”
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun. “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
“That’s OK,” the nun says. “My name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.” Continue reading “3 November 2013 – Amusements”
Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist” garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They could not help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said “Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a very revealing string bottom, took her sweet time walking toward them. And again, they couldn’t help but stare.
Again she nodded at each of them, saying “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” as she passed by. One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and called after her.
“Just a minute young lady!”
“Yes, Father?” she said as she stopped and turned back.
“We are priests and are proud of it, but I have to know: how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?”
The woman smiled, bent over a bit, and pulled off her sunglasses. “Father,” she said in a purr, “don’t you recognize me? It’s me — Sister Katherine!” Continue reading “27 October 2013 – Amusements”
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.
“Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts.
“He communicates really well, and I just act like I’m listening.” Continue reading “20 October 2013 – Amusements”
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?” He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. “I was totally humiliated,” he moaned. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother.
“We hadn’t started eating yet.” Continue reading “13 October 2013 – Amusements”
A man was on a walking holiday and, when he became thirsty, decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a little pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.
The housewife replied: “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.” Continue reading “6 October 2013 – Amudsements”