The Befouled Weakly News

2 May 2010

SwallowBig news this week – our swallows arrived back on Monday and one was so excited to see us again that he immediately shat all over our bed.

It had been a splendidly lovely day and Pen left the door open as she left for gym that evening so that Molly could lounge out on the driveway or in the garden if she so desired. Of course, the open door was an open invitation to the returning swallows. (Generally, we don’t have a “problem” with adult swallows flying into the house; it’s more often the babies when they are just learning to fly who occasionally make a wrong turn and find themselves on the inside trying to find a way out). So, I hadn’t really thought much about it and indeed, at that stage, I didn’t even know they were back, of course.

I certainly didn’t see the culprit fly in; all of a sudden I heard a peculiar flapping sound from upstairs. As I investigated I discovered that one of the swallows had flown into our bedroom and, in his anxiety, had proceeded to poop all over the place. I closed all the doors, opened the window and gently persuaded him to leave. Afterwards, I inspected the damage – our friend had left three deposits on the bed, two on the carpet and three more on a couch we have upstairs.

Still, it’s nice to see them back.

Wednesday early evening whilst I was putting the rubbish out for collection on Thursday morning, they were back. Three “scouts” were swooping in and out of the garage, chattering at each other in an aggressive manner and then chasing each other all over the neighbourhood. I am guessing that they were investigating the highly desirable accommodation we have available in the garage and there was some discussion about which swallow had claimed it first. I am sure they will settle their differences in a calm, quiet & dignified manner and whoever gets the month’s deposit in first can have it.

I did a bit of shopping in Banbury in the week. The weather was very pleasant which brought everyone out of their winter hibernation. As I meandered around the town there were countless young mums propelling push chairs (strollers) along the pavement whilst dragging two or three other toddlers along, providing encouragement with the occasional shout or bellow. Sometimes, they were accompanied by their young gentleman friends in shorts, t-shirts and acres of tattoos. It’s clear that I am becoming an “angry old man” as I was struck not only by the increasing number of “chavs” Banbury has acquired in recent years but also by the number of very, very, very large people. I think many have been stuck indoors all during the poor winter weather we’ve had and simply eaten continually.

I had another bout of cooking in the week, this time Chicken Cordon Bleu following a communication from Dad. My chicken breast flattening and rolling is significantly improved following a couple of excellent suggestions from Nick. He suggesting rolling the breasts in cling film in the first instance and then placing them in the refrigerator for a time prior to cooking. When you unroll them from the cling film they keep their shape and there’s no need for string or toothpicks. I can tell you, this week’s results presented an almost passable picture and the end result was tolerably tolerable.

We are currently enjoying the delightful company of Ching Ryan for a couple of days. She is in the UK for a couple of weeks on work and we were delighted to be able to invite her to come up for the weekend. As it happens, this is the May Day holiday weekend – tomorrow is a holiday – so, we’ve got her ‘til then. An absolute treat although typically the weather has decided to be anything other than cooperative. We’ve had a very pleasant week with temperatures in the mid 60s and a bundle of sunshine. Yesterday was a bit on the cool side but still dry and reasonably pleasant and then, last night, it started to bucket down; this morning is cold with a stiff, blistering northeast wind and, potentially, several more buckets of rain. Not quite the ideal day for exploring Oxford or Kenilworth or Stratford or Edge Hill or anywhere else outdoors for that matter!

Ching Ryan Ching and Penny

Ching, Penny, Greg & Molly
Oil Seed at Edgecote

She was, in fact, due to fly into the UK a couple of weeks ago but was delayed by the Icelandic volcano for a week. She’s only in the country until next Friday so we thought we’d also take advantage of her presence by making an outing up to the big city next Thursday. We’ll take in a gallery and/or museum or two and then meet up with her to take her to dinner at one of our favourite places in London. We don’t need much of an excuse.

Love to you all,


A man in Pennsylvania was arrested after he got drunk, urinated on himself, took off his clothes and broke into a stranger's house he thought was his. And the craziest part? I don't even know how I got to Pennsylvania.

Halfway through a romantic dinner at a nice, cozy restaurant, my husband smiled and said, You look so beautiful under these lights."

I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights!"

This came from Dad. I can hardly wait to see his tattoo later this summer.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by Spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

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