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Good morning. It’s been a mixed picture this week. We’ve had everything from freezing, frost and fog to clear, bright blue albeit decidedly crisp days. Whatever. There has been one consistent feature, however. It’s been getting increasingly cold. Funny how that happens as we move into December, isn’t it?

Having said all that, it is, of course, not nearly as cold as those of you on the east coast are currently enjoying nor as cold as it will get in the weeks and months ahead. Still, it has been sufficiently cold that Ms Penelope felt compelled to carry out an act of treachery and subterfuge; without my knowledge or any discussion she put the electric blanket on the bed.

To be fair, she has been complaining for some weeks about how cold the bedroom is. (And perhaps “complaining” is too strong an expression. As you can imagine, my sweetheart never “complains” – we just have an interesting, lively and invigorating discussion of opposing perspectives from time to time).

In contrast to her position, I prefer the bedroom unheated and, if I had my way, I would probably prefer to have the window open. So, I have the radiator in the bedroom turned off – Ms Playchute turns it on. I turn it off; she turns it on again, and so on.

I have to confess, I do not particularly enjoy getting into a bed where the linen feels like sheets of ice. So, the employment of a hot water bottle would be an acceptable device to take the edge off the chill. But other than that, a light duvet suits me fine.

And, as you will appreciate, I am the model of compromise and collaboration. Some weeks ago when she initially started suggesting we address the freezing bedroom temperatures, I actually assisted in the process of placing another light duvet on the bed. Against my better judgement, to be sure, but assist I did.

That, however, was before the devious act she carried out on Friday evening. Unbeknownst to me, she slinked, indeed sneaked, off to the bedroom, rummaged through the debris in the “dressing room”, found the electric blanked, re-made the bed with the blanket and both duvets, and switched the blanket on. By the time we came to go to bed there was steam arising from the sauna of our bed covers.

And now that the blanket is on the bed, what do you imagine my chances are of getting it removed without resorting to a similarly deceitful subterfuge? Yep, I think “none” is about right.

I did feel sorry for the chap in the story below. Heck, that could be me.

Library ban for 'pungent body odour' man Library officials in Leicestershire have banned a regular reader from their building following complaints about his "pungent" body odour. The council said they were forced to act as visitors left Wigston Library when Stuart Penman, 27, arrived. Staff said they have advised him about his personal hygiene, but it had not improved after a year. Mr Penman has now been banned from the building for six months. He reportedly said he felt picked on. Mr Penman, who came forward to highlight his complaints in the media, said: "I went in there on Monday with my wife and they told me I was barred because of my feet." 'Using deodorant' Margaret Bellamy, head of the county council's library services, said: "He has been using the library for a while and we've been getting complaints about his personal hygiene for about a year. "We've sat down with him to see what can be done and even asked him if he's been washing, using deodorant and regularly changing his clothes. "We've had people leaving and saying it's because of the smell. "I feel very sorry about the whole situation and it's not a decision we took lightly but we've done all we can to help and it's still not getting any better. "When people were refusing to come into the library we felt we had no other option."

What’s deodorant?

Love to you all,

Greg

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I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?" I shouted.
 
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy! The door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

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A furniture salesman decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in the States.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet café that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty  young blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

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