The Befouled Weakly News
8 November 2009 Good morning on a grey and dismal looking morning but, at least so far, it’s dry. Considering the glorious, if somewhat fresh, day we had yesterday, I suppose it will do. Some time ago I ran across a list of expressions relating to how busy it was possible to be. “Busier than a one-armed paperhanger with a case of the hives,” for example, or “busier than a three-legged cat trying to cover shit on a marble floor while having to go five miles for dirt.” If you need or want any more examples, you can find some here. In spite of my so-called “retirement” I do, indeed, seem to be busier than the proverbial one-armed paperhanger and somehow I don’t think this is actually what I had in mind. I am not complaining, mind you, and I know that it won’t last but it certainly is a shock to the system. I had to get up in advance of 7.00 am on a couple of mornings this past week! The busy-ness is due to a couple of factors, the most important of which is that two of my former colleagues have gone down unwell and Graham, my former boss, has been on the phone asking me if I am available for a bit of freelance consultancy work with schools, which I have been happy to do. Take those tasks and add them to the few which I have drummed up on my own account and instead of the two or three days’ work a week I had anticipated, I now have full work weeks which is most disconcerting! Still, I am not going to be looking too many gift horses in the mouth and, for the time being, it’s most welcome while I generate some business of my own. I mentioned last week that our village was holding its annual Bonfire celebrations last Sunday evening. (Guy Fawkes night is actually 5 November which was Thursday but most public fireworks displays were held this past weekend. Byfield decided to get it’s festivities in a week ahead of everyone else, it seems). I’ve mentioned before how there is a chap in the village who owns or runs a fireworks factory and hence whenever there are huge fireworks displays required in the village, we always have a magnificent show. And, since the display is launched from the recreation ground, we get magnificent, front-row seats from our back patio. So, last Sunday evening, in spite of the deluge we had during the whole day, the annual Guy Fawkes bonfire and fireworks display was outstanding and this year we actually had someone with whom to share it. Nick arrived in the early evening with friends Boz (best man at his wedding), Vita (bridesmaid at the wedding) and Huw (white suit at the wedding who gave the “blessing” before dinner). We also had the pleasure of Pen’s folks for the evening and, in anticipation, Pen had prepared a pumpkin cheesecake and I had prepared pumpkin ice cream, both of which were sensational if I do say so myself. We also successfully barbequed Sandy’s salmon with pesto and Nick got some half decent photographs. Molly wasn’t particularly pleased with all the noise and excitement but we sure did enjoy ourselves, so much so that Nick warned us that the annual Byfield Fireworks Show at Penelope’s Playchute Palace could become as popular as Sandy’s Saunas with mysterious, unknown people arriving, uninvited, clutching swimming suits and a towel. I don’t imagine we’ll have too many uninvited guests clutching swimming suits and towels in the gloom of an early November evening but when word gets out that we have (a) the best view in the village, (b) barbequed salmon with pesto and (c) pumpkin pie cheesecake and ice cream I think the queue will stretch out into the street. I ran across the following this week on the BBC web site. This undoubtedly explains why I am always so successfully attentive:
Yours grumpily, Greg Marketing Explained Well, here it is -- everything you need to know about marketing. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. That's Telemarketing. You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Representative. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail. As I was standing in line at the airport to check in, the man in front of me was giving the ticket agent all sorts of trouble. Even though he had a coach ticket, he was demanding a free upgrade to first class or, failing that, "at least business class!" as compensation for some imagined slight. It appeared the agent was doing everything possible to please the man, even though the airline had done nothing wrong. He firmly refused any free upgrades, and the customer seemed be raising his voice louder and louder. So much so I thought the agent would call security, but no. Then it was my turn. I stepped up, smiled at the guy and told him, "I don't know how you kept your cool with that jerk." "Oh, it wasn't too hard," said the agent in a gracious and subtly southern accent. "I've dealt with his type before." "I still don't understand how you managed to stay so calm when someone is yelling at you like that!" I said. "Well," he said, "you obviously know you're both heading to Denver?" "Yes," I said. "His luggage," said the agent, a twinkle returning to his eye and his voice getting very quiet, "is going to Dallas." 1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length -- do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) -- otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe. 7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe. 8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe. 9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle. 10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other. 13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers. 14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight. 15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes. 16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
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