The Befouled Weakly News

9 August 2009


Ouch!

Nice to be back with you even if it is in a somewhat limited and incapacitated capacity. The operation went well and, as you can deduce, I am back home enjoying (a) some half decent weather, (b) fantastic care and attention and (c) as much sport as any one television can provide.

Thank you to all of you who sent greetings and best wishes either to me or via Ms Playchute – your kind thoughts are much appreciated. Briefly, to the details: following our “home leave” last weekend, we presented ourselves at reception again on Monday afternoon and, miracle of miracle, they were still expecting me. I was shown to the ward, introduced myself to the roommates and settled down for an exciting evening of DVD viewing and internet surfing. I was first on the list for surgery on Tuesday morning and so, about 8.30, I was taken down to theatre, given some nice drugs and hey presto! I was back on the ward soon after noon. The pain and discomfort were fairly significant but the surgeon had warned me that this would be the case. The only thing for it was to (a) settle down, grin and bear it and (b) ensure that whenever a nurse or any of the medical staff were in the vicinity my disposition was calm and serene so that they would (a) marvel at my speedy recovery and (b) release me the following day. As it happens, the ploy worked and I was discharged into the capable hands of Ms Playchute just after noon on Wednesday. A very uncomfortable journey home has been followed by more uncomfortable days on the coach and in bed. However, each day the pain lessens and no doubt it will soon be but a distant and somewhat unpleasant memory.

For those of you with strong dispositions and/or a morbid curiosity, I had a cervical laminectomy which you can easily Google to gain more of an insight if you want. Essentially, the procedure involves removing the lamina (the sticky-out bits which cover the spinal cord) from a couple of vertebrae (C5 to C7) thus relieving the pressure on the spinal cord which has been the cause of the pain and discomfort. There is a description here for those of you interested and a little video animation here (although it refers to a lower back laminectomy - same procedure but mine was in the neck).

Must just, finally, give a huge shout out to all the medical staff at the JR in Oxford. They were, without exception, absolutely superb – kind, friendly, cheerful, helpful and absolutely professional. As to the administrative staff.... the phrases “piss up” and “brewery” come to mind.

And now that all that nonsense is over, time to get geared up for the excitement and celebrations to come over the next couple of weeks. Adam, Sugar and their friend Julia return this evening from their journeys in Europe and then next weekend the party begins! Ben and Donna get here on Saturday, Sarah arrives on Tuesday and Sallie and Rod roll in on Wednesday. The house will be bursting and we will be having fun!

And finally, before we forget – happy birthday to Sarah today and to Sandy on Saturday – hope your days are fantastic.

Love to you all,

Greg


After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

"I found the remote"


A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn't in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of whiskey in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his whiskey.

"What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do," she replies.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."


Nowadays, being British means...

Driving home in a German car,

but stopping off to pick up some Belgian beer,

and a Turkish kebab or an Indian takeaway,

to spend the evening on Swedish furniture,

watching American programs,

on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign.


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