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Good morning to you all and although it is a pleasure to be able to infest your inbox with another dose of drivel, I have to confess to being somewhat disappointed that my surgery was muddled once again – now the plan is to do it on Tuesday morning, barring any further mishaps.

You will recollect, I am sure, that this appointment started in a somewhat less than satisfactory manner – the hospital telephoned me two weeks ago on a Sunday evening at about 7.00 pm asking where I was; they were expecting me at the hospital to perform my neck surgery on the following Monday. As I wrote last time, the letter informing me of these arrangements clearly never arrived here but one has to give the hospital the benefit of the doubt, I suppose, and assume that it was actually sent. (Perhaps it will turn up in fifty years time and become one of those amusing little anecdotes about letters having gone astray and turning up decades later). The discussion we had with the person on the phone was that she would telephone me the following day with a decision about when, subsequently, to schedule the surgery. She did indeed ring me back and surgery was arranged for Friday morning, as you know.

So, on Thursday afternoon we drive down to Oxford and present ourselves at reception for the ward. Good news – they are expecting me and even better news, they have a bed for me. In a matter of moments I am settled in, say “hello” to the roommates and generally make myself as comfortable as possible in a hospital ward. Ms Penelope stayed for a time to keep me company and eventually she set off for home. I watched a few DVDs on my laptop and eventually, sometime around midnight, attempted to get some sleep, not an easy task, I am afraid.

Morning arrived, as it does, with the usual explosion of noise and activity common of a hospital ward, but of course no morning tea or corn flakes for me. Everything, so far, was fine. The nurse had checked me regularly, had taken my blood pressure and all the other things which need doing. The pharmacist visited and discussed the medication I am currently taking and I was told that the anaesthetist and the surgeon would be visiting shortly.

So, I waited. And waited. And waited some more.

Eventually, one of the nurses approached and, with some trepidation I think, told me that there seemed to be a slight problem – my name did not appear to be on any of the surgical lists. I was a bit confused so I explained the previous miscommunication (the case of the missing letter) and explained that I had been told to arrive on Thursday for surgery on Friday morning. I was also confused because they certainly knew that I was due when I presented myself at reception and that there was a bed ready for me, evidenced by the fact that I was in it! The nurse went off to investigate.

It’s now lunchtime and I am starving of course; periodically the nurse reappears to assure me that she is trying to get to bottom of the situation and that she is waiting to speak with the surgeon who is in a meeting. Finally, the nurse reappears once again to tell me that she has interrupted the meeting and that the surgeon will be with me as soon as she is able.

When the surgeon finally arrives, she too is confused. It seems that my name is not on any of the surgical lists and, more pertinently, it never could have been on the Friday list as Fridays are reserved for emergencies only; my surgery is certainly not an emergency. She went off to investigate some more and then came back to discuss a range of options. How would surgery in a couple of weeks do? Unfortunately, we have a wedding to attend, I explained. How about after the wedding? Well, we have some plans to hopefully make a trip to the States in September. So, eventually, she agreed to do the surgery on Tuesday morning (allegedly, I will be first on her list which would be nice).

In short, a miscommunication of considerable proportions – something one reads about and hears on the news but not something that you expect to affect you (and somewhat annoying when it does). As near as we can work out, the person with whom I spoke on the telephone who “confirmed” that I should come for surgery on Friday, seems to have secured the bed for me but neglected to put my name on any of the surgical lists. Once my name failed to appear on a list it was impossible to squeeze me in – no anaesthetist available even if the surgeon had been prepared to try and do two operations in the same theatre at the same time.

So, there you have it. (And this is not to mention the numerous journeys up and down the motorway Ms Playchute made whilst everyone was trying to work out what had gone wrong). I’m in again on Monday afternoon for surgery on Tuesday morning; assuming all goes well I will recount the adventure next week.

On another issue completely, some of you will remember, back in May, we carried a reference to the Met Office’s prediction that we would enjoy a fantastic summer this year, a BBQ summer they dubbed it. The headline at the time, 30 April, was for a “Hot and Dry UK Summer” and the opening paragraph read, “The UK is ‘odds on for a barbecue summer’, with no repeat of the washouts of the last two years.”

Remembering our previous comments on the accuracy of some previous particularly apocalyptic weather predictions, you will perhaps find it as amusing as we did to read the headline on the BBC web site this week: “Met office cools summer forecast” which, considering the weather we’ve had currently and through most of July, is something of a belated admission that they got it wrong. To be fair, the latter part of June was very pleasant but since then it’s been pretty miserable. Still, today looks like it could be one of those gloriously lovely days which will be a splendid change. You can read the latest forecast/fairy tale here.

And finally, another story with which  it’s hard to disagree – Guinness is good for you!

Love to you all,

Greg

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In sympathy with the main theme of today’s edition, Allegedly Actual Entries on Hospital Charts

• She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused autopsy.
• The patient has no previous history of suicides.
• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Occasional constant infrequent headaches.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Skin: somewhat pale but present.
• The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.
• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
• Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
• The nurse became ill during surgery and vomited on the patient. She was taken from the operating room and stitched up. Patient remained anesthetized and dressed in his unawares.
• According to patient, accident was caused because he was receiving gratification of an oral manner from female driver of car.
• Although diarrhoea and vomiting may have been caused by improper medication, hospital food cannot be ruled out.
• Patient ran out of hospital naked with only a gown open in back on. Since it is below freezing outside, we expect no problem in quickly finding patient.
• The sponge was not forgotten in the patient after surgery. The sponge remained in the patient after surgery.
• The patient wrote a very nice note thanking the nursing staff for helping him achieve a normal orgasm.
• He was admitted to ER complaining of acute constipation. Removed large accidental cucumber from rectum, which relieved condition. He doesn't know how cucumber got into rectum. Advised that it might be good idea to remove all potentially dangerous fruit and vegetables from home environment.
• This patient has been enemaed within an inch of her life!
• She said her fiancé Darryl would cover all her medical expenses. We called the number she provided and got the local Pizza Hut. There was nobody there named Darryl.
• This woman is 91 years old, comatose and on life support. The family has been calling me daily to see if there is any way we can bring her to consciousness long enough for her to sign a will they've drawn up.
• Mrs. G. in 3F received Mrs. P. in 3C's Tetracycline, while Mr. K. got Mr. O.'s physical therapy. This went on for ten weeks before anybody noticed. 4A is stark raving mad and should be in a mental hospital. Dr. L. hasn't set foot in this nursing home in over a year, yet I see his signature on all kinds of new charts and meds. Our pay checks are always late. Mrs. J. [the head administrator] hides in her office all day and won't talk to the staff or take phone calls. The janitorial staff is drunk all the time and the place is filthy and constantly smells like a sewer. Most of the nurses can't speak or understand simple English. The son of one of our residents threatened to beat me with a golf club. You have consistently ignored my memos on these subjects and not returned my phone calls. Before I end up like 4A, I'm quitting. Consider this my letter of resignation.
• Patient was admitted with multiple painful contusions to the groin. Patient said he was trying to teach himself tightrope walking.
• Patient was admitted to ER with two gunshot wounds to the left leg. He does not know how he got these wounds, but he thinks they probably came from someone shooting at him with a gun. ER staff tentatively agreed with this possibility, pending further investigation.
• He pried the cork out of a wine bottle with his teeth and a pocket knife. The cork lodged in his oesophagus and the knife left several cuts on his lips and nose. He has promised to buy a corkscrew as soon as he is released. His wife asked us to tell him not to open beer bottles with his teeth anymore either, as several teeth have been cracked and chipped.
• The patient's family smelled of cheese, so I thought it best to have them meet in the lobby.
  

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