The Befouled Weakly News
10 May 2009 Due to the extraordinarily busy weekend we have ahead of us, this edition of the Befouled Weakly News is being largely written in advance so my apologies for that. We’re out on Saturday at a production of As You Like It in Stratford and then on Sunday we’re out all day at a friend’s 75th birthday party. The fun just never stops! Before we begin, however, let’s wish all our respective mothers a most memorably marvellous magnificent Mother’s Day. It’s not possible to even imagine all they’ve done for us nor is it possible ever to even remotely repay their kindness and affection no matter how much of our love we send their way. Let’s also send our very best wishes to those celebrating birthdays either today or in the next few days – Sallie, of course, has a particularly significant birthday tomorrow. Naturally, I won’t mention “60” as some of us are similarly approaching that particular milestone with alarming acceleration – here’s hoping it’s a great day. And Ben celebrates another notch on his birthday belt today – if it hasn’t yet arrived, the card is in the post – promise! Happy, happy birthday to you both (along with anyone else I may have missed including, for example, Fred Astaire – 109 years old today). So, on to our busy, busy weekend. First stop, the Saturday matinee performance of As You Like It at the Courtyard Theatre in Stratford with Molly Robertson, elder daughter of our good friend Rick Robertson, who you will recall is doing a semester in Oxford (Molly, that is, not Rick). She visited us for a few days last month and while she was here we organised this particular outing. She is, after all, an English major and it would surely be a crime if she were to study at Oxford and not take the opportunity to see a Shakespeare in Stratford. Since this is being written before we actually see the performance, it’s somewhat difficult to know whether to sing its praises or to condemn its mediocrity – we’ll let you know. The Guardian’s review, at least, seems pretty positive. Just to let you know – the production was sensationally successful. It was imaginatively produced with a very minimalist stage setting, as seems to be the norm these days. Marvellously well acted and, of course, very, very funny. I had forgotten that this is the play in which the “All the World’s a Stage” speech features delivered by the melancholy Jaques: All the world's a stage, Whilst looking for the monologue this morning I also ran across the following limerick apparently by Robert Conquest, a British historian: Seven ages: first puking and mewling, which rather sums it up nicely in considerably fewer words than required by the Bard. It was a great performance followed by a similarly spectacular barbeque – a splendid day. On Tuesday I had my “pre-operative” assessment for the surgery they anticipate doing on my neck sometime soon. You will recollect that the first surgery was not as completely successful as we had hoped so they are going in a second time, this time from the rear, to perform a Cervical Laminectomy which will, hopefully, cure the problem. This involves removing the Lamina (the “bumpy” part of the spine that you feel when you run your fingers along your back or the back of your neck) thus reducing pressure on the spinal cord and nerves. I don’t yet have a date for the surgery but according to the nurse I saw I am “due to breach” on about the 25 May.
Today, we’re off to the 75th birthday party for John Gleave (of our friends John and Indrani in whose elder son’s mansion we spent New Year’s Eve last year. (You can find a reminder here). Enroute we shall drop Molly at the railway station in Banbury so that she can get back to Oxford and we shall press on to the Westbury (Buckinghamshire) cricket pavilion where no doubt a grand celebration will unfold. Rest assured that I shall do my bit to ensure my prolonged health, as outlined in the following from the Guardian. (Feel free to ignore all the bits which talk about “moderation”).
Sounds good to me – deux ou trois bouteilles de Vin de Pays du Languedoc, s’il vous plaît! Finally, a few spring photos - the wisteria, next door neighbour Sally's clematis, the cattle next door wondering why I was taking photos of the wisteria and Ms Playchute inspecting one of her borders.
Love to you all, Greg A man took his wife to the Rodeo, and one of the exhibits was "best breeding bulls". They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "You only mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." Then the wife got even more excited and said, "That's once a day! You could really learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time." Funeral services will be Wednesday. A father asks his son, age 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!" Allegedly Actual Entries on Hospital Charts "The nurse became ill during surgery and vomited on the patient. She was taken from the operating room and stitched up. Patient remained anesthetized and dressed in his unawares." "According to patient, accident was caused because he was receiving gratification of an oral manner from female driver of car." "Although diarrhoea and vomiting may have been caused by improper medication, hospital food cannot be ruled out." "Patient ran out of hospital naked with only a gown open in back on...Since it is below freezing outside, we expect no problem in quickly finding patient." "The sponge was not forgotten in the patient after surgery. The sponge remained in the patient after surgery." "The patient wrote a very nice note thanking the nursing staff for helping him achieve a normal orgasm." "He was admitted to ER complaining of acute constipation. Removed large accidental cucumber from rectum, which relieved condition. He doesn't know how cucumber got into rectum. Advised that it might be good idea to remove all potentially dangerous fruit and vegetables from home environment." "This patient has been enemaed within an inch of her life!" "She said her fiancé Darryl would cover all her medical expenses. We called the number she provided and got the local Pizza Hut. There was nobody there named Darryl." "This woman is 91 years old, comatose and on life support. The family has been calling me daily to see if there is any way we can bring her to consciousness long enough for her to sign a will they've drawn up." "Mrs. G. in 3F received Mrs. P. in 3C's Tetracycline, while Mr. K. got Mr. O.'s physical therapy. This went on for ten weeks before anybody noticed. 4A is stark raving mad and should be in a mental hospital. Dr. L. hasn't set foot in this nursing home in over a year, yet I see his signature on all kinds of new charts and meds. Our pay checks are always late. Mrs. J. [the head administrator] hides in her office all day and won't talk to the staff or take phone calls. The janitorial staff is drunk all the time and the place is filthy and constantly smells like a sewer. Most of the nurses can't speak or understand simple English. The son of one of our residents threatened to beat me with a golf club. You have consistently ignored my memos on these subjects and not returned my phone calls. Before I end up like 4A, I'm quitting. Consider this my letter of resignation." "Patient was admitted with multiple painful contusions to the groin. Patient said he was trying to teach himself tightrope walking." "Patient was admitted to ER with two gunshot wounds to the left leg. He does not know how he got these wounds, but he thinks they probably came from someone shooting at him with a gun. ER staff tentatively agreed with this possibility, pending further investigation." "He pried the cork out of a wine bottle with his teeth and a pocket knife. The cork lodged in his oesophagus and the knife left several cuts on his lips and nose. He has promised to buy a corkscrew as soon as he is released. His wife asked us to tell him not to open beer bottles with his teeth anymore either, as several teeth have been cracked and chipped." "The patient's family smelled of cheese, so I thought it best to have them meet in the lobby."
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Now, I know that whales breach and I’ve also heard of breach births (or is it breech?) but I didn’t think either applied to me. It transpires that what it means in this context is that the NHS will have “breached” its guidelines if my treatment is not carried out by the end of May. So, in the organised chaos that is the NHS, it’s the number of weeks since my original referral which matters, not the clinical need. Hey ho, it’s a whacky system! I’ll let you know how it goes.
Men who drink less than half a glass of wine a day may live up to five years longer than teetotallers, and could have less chance of a heart attack, a study has found.
