The Befouled Weakly News
22 February 2009 Good morning on what I hope is a splendidly splendid morning in your neck of the woods. It’s been an excellent week here mainly (although not exclusively) because it has been “half-term” and therefore I have been able to “work from home” as schools are not in session. Also, the weather has transformed from conditions resembling a meat freezer located somewhere in the Arctic tundra to balmy, spring-like temperatures and conditions in a matter of moments. Early in the week we were still sliding through the slush; by Thursday the conditions had improved to such an extent that I was able to enjoy a particularly pleasant bike ride around the local lanes and by-ways. In spite of the improvement in the weather, Penelope’s Pantry has continued to provide a catering facility for the neighbouring wild fowl. The clamour begins early each morning and the wood pigeons, in particular, arrive promptly, place their reservations for the first available sitting and generally demand an exclusive five-star service. The smaller birds generally wait their turn quite patiently but fortunately there is plenty for everyone. We’ve even had some of the more exotic neighbourhood birdlife put in an appearance to see if the catering really is as good as everyone has been saying.
Just for a change (and largely for something to do), Ms Playchute and I visited the Camping, Boating and Caravanning show at the National Exhibition Centre in Birmingham on Friday. We went many, many years ago when Ben and Nick were probably still in nappies and indeed purchased our first Weber kettle barbeque on that occasion. It was fun to go and to imagine ourselves as the proud owners of any of the boats, caravans, motor homes and/or camping implements on show. In the end we couldn’t quite decide between the Winnebago the size of a New York City block, a static double-wide holiday home on the Welsh coast, the twenty-six room tent mansion or any of the selection of canal/narrow boats so, regrettably, we came away empty handed. Still, it was a good day out and Ms Playchute did find a breathable, water proof jacket to replace the one she recently mislaid. The only one who didn’t enjoy the outing was Molly who was compelled to spend the whole day home alone. This past week I have enjoyed watching the Amgen Cycling Tour of California and I hope that Sallie and Rod have got sufficient time this afternoon to make their way down to Grand Avenue at Broadway in Escondido for the climax of Stage 8. The only impediment to my enjoyment has been the somewhat bizarre scheduling propensities of British Eurosport, the television channel carrying the coverage; their listings seem to have little relationship with reality and since the cycling takes place rather late at night here I have to rely on their information to arrange the recording of the day’s highlights. On Thursday the highlights listed as “Amgen Tour of California” turned out to be extended coverage of the Welsh Open Snooker Championship and Friday’s consisted of some women’s tennis competition. Interesting stuff, no doubt, but not quite what I had in mind. Let’s hope today’s are actually as described and I can spot Sallie and Rod hovering near the finishing line. Back to the grind tomorrow! Love to you all, Greg Gifts For Him If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the- way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" No one knows why. When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. Again, no one knows why. Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound pro- pane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why. Dad recently sent this one. We’ve had it before but it’s still very good.... Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry to the auto industry saying, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft , we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language on how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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