The Befouled Weakly News

26 October 2008


I’ve had it with people being unwell, so thank you very much Sandy Stragnell for giving us yet more unsettling news! As the older and considerably less fit and significantly less active brother, how do you think that makes me feel?!! Seriously though, while we were shocked to hear of Sandy’s disagreement with his heart, we are pleased to hear from our resident medical staff on the spot that he is up and about and taking the setback in his usual “Attitude is Everything” style. Please take it easy and please know that we love you to bits.

I was reminded by Dad in an e-mail bringing us news of Sandy’s progress so far that sometime in the distant past (i.e. 17 April 1970 when Mom and Dad were visiting me at Yale) I made the observation that, “Sandy is the kind of guy you would like to have as your very best friend.” Of course, I have little recollection of the conversation other than the fact that I do remember Dad and Mom visiting so it must be true; I must have made the comment and, what was true then is still true today. I think Sandy is probably all of our very best friend. So, let’s have no more of this type of news, please!

Talking with Dad on the phone we both agreed that this has been somewhat of an Annus Horribilis for the Stragnell clan (and don’t any of you leave out one of the “n’s” in Annus: it’s a horrible year, not a horrible backside).

I’m sure most of you will remember that the Queen famously used the expression in 1992 in describing what should have been a very memorable year – the 40th anniversary of her accession to the throne. Instead, the year had been marked by much familial misfortune. In March Prince Andrew and his wife, the former Sarah Ferguson, announced their separation following the publication of some paparazzi photographs of her “relaxing” beside a pool in a somewhat intimate and compromising position with the American financier, John Bryant. I seem to recollect there was some revelations concerning mutual toe-sucking at the time. Then, in April, Princess Anne and her husband, Mark Phillips, were divorced and soon thereafter Andrew Morton’s book, Diana: Her True Story, was published which revealed that Prince Charles had been unfaithful and that Diana had made several suicide attempts. As if that weren’t enough, a couple of recordings of some rather risqué telephone conversations between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles came into the public domain during one of which Charles referred to wishing that he could be a particular item of feminine hygiene. (Somehow, I just cannot imagine having such a conversation with anyone but they are all a bit mad, I’m afraid). By the end of the year Charles and Diana’s separation was announced, and, to cap it all off, a few days before she made the speech Windsor Castle was engulfed in flames and, whilst not quite literally burning to the ground, it was extensively damaged. Not a particularly good year, I guess one would have to confess.

So, let’s have no more! Three health-related incidents this year is quite sufficient.

Apart from all that, we’re OK and “enjoying” the slide into Autumn. The weather has continued to be fairly decent although Thursday was the epitome of a “blustery” day, one of those days when out walking the dog one’s hat had to be pulled down firmly around one’s ears. The colour is still good although the leaves are rapidly leaving the trees and the temperature is beginning to decline into the single-digit region (Celsius, of course, not Fahrenheit). Friday, however, was glorious and since I was “working from home”, Ms Playchute, Molly and I decided to take a stroll down the Oxford Canal near Cropredy. If you are sufficiently desperate you can catch a few photos here.

Our clocks went back last night which means that it will be dark by 5.00 pm which, in many ways, is when autumn truly begins. Won’t be long before Ms Playchute starts demanding fires in the lounge.

Snuggle up warm and hug each other – you know it’s good for you!

Love you lots,

Greg


Since I was speaking of the Queen, I received the following from Nick the other day. Apologies if anyone feels passionately offended.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
 
The QueenIn light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

  2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

  3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

  4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

  5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

  7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

  8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

  9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

  10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

  11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

  12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

  13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

  14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

  15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!


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