The Befouled Weakly News

19 October 2008


Hello and good morning to you all. We had a splendid weekend on the south coast with our friends Sue and Stuart along with a gaggle of other “hangers-on” – the Walton’s and Pete and Sally from next door. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and on the Saturday evening we all trotted off to the Brighton Dome for a performance by Dylan Moran, an Irish stand-up comedian who was predictably very amusing. Some of you (perhaps many of you) would recognise him – he has appeared in a number of films and British television programmes – but I wouldn’t suggest that his is a household name. (When Stuart organised the weekend I certainly did not know him by name although I did recognise his photograph and, indeed, himself on the stage when it came to it).

Of course, one can’t remember all the content of his performance – about two hours of non-stop, rapid-fire observations – but one segment in particular was very amusing. He spent about ten or fifteen minutes denigrating and belittling the characteristics of the population of every country in the European Union (How do you make a Spaniard appear attractive? Put him between two Greeks.) But, during this whole “rant” he said nothing about the English (remember, that he is Irish). I think the audience was largely lulled into a false sense of security and imagined that “since he is basically one of us” he wasn’t going to have a go at the English. This was reinforced when he started on the Scots, Welsh and, indeed, the Irish. All of which made it doubly amusing when his final comment was, “and, of course, the English are all impotent.” and that was it.

As I mentioned, the weather was stupendously glorious and this was undoubtedly the last, warm, sunny weekend of the year. On Sunday we strolled down to the sea front at Brighton and perambled (along with hundreds of others) along the front, an activity which is perhaps decidedly British. Many (if not most) British seaside holiday towns have a promenade along the front which is set back from the beach, the idea being that one can stroll along, perhaps arm in arm with one’s sweetheart, enjoying the sunshine and taking the air. Brighton, along with many such seaside towns, has an interesting phenomena which I suspect we would find somewhat bizarre on an American sea front – beach huts. These are rather like temporary, prefabricated garden sheds or garages for a very small car and are all lined up in a row along the promenade (not along the beach itself but set back so that the promenade is between the huts and the beach, rather like a motorway of pedestrian traffic).

Brighton Beach Huts

These huts are prized (and very valuable) possessions, there being a limited number of “pitches” available, which are handed down from one generation to the next, rather like Red Sox season tickets. And, in spite of being situated cheek by jowl and being of very small dimensions, they disgorge huge quantities of all manner of seaside paraphernalia from within whenever the occupants are “in residence”. Not surprisingly, the ones which were being enjoyed on this fine, sunny Sunday morning all contained a similar collection of items which had spilled out on to the pavement in front of their hut – tables, chairs, sun lounges, beach umbrellas and, perhaps most importantly, water bowls for the plethora of small dogs which entangle themselves with their leads amongst the chair and table legs.

Enjoying the sunshineOn the drive down to the south (and, equally, on the drive home again) we observed some more than acceptable fall foliage (more than acceptable for the UK, that is). Some nice bright yellows and reds interspersed amongst the usual muddy and drab brown colours. Penny and I were trying to work out what conditions we had endured this year which contributed to such a colourful fall performance; this summer was exceedingly wet, rainy and overcast and this year the colour seems better than for some considerable time. Mind you, last summer was exceedingly wet, rainy and overcast and the colour was rubbish so what’s up with that? I seem to recollect reading somewhere that the reason New England has such sensational colour is something to do with the soil but there must still be some variation from year to year in the scope and intensity of the colour which must be related, I am thinking, to weather conditions at certain key points in the year. Perhaps Sandy and Pam can enlighten us and we can see if the conditions transpose to the UK?

Ran across the following on the Guardian web site. All I can say is, “Thank goodness!”

Googling is good for the ageing brain

Could Googling actually be good for you? That is the conclusion drawn by researchers who believe that searching the internet could improve brain function – at least among older people.

Silver SurferA team from the Center on Aging at the University of California, Los Angeles, found that searching the web can stimulate the brain more than other activities such as reading a book.
In a study to be published in the American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, the researchers say they examined the neurological activity of adults aged between 55 and 76 as they conducted a number of tasks.

The study took two groups of older people, one picked for their knowledge of the internet, the other for being less technologically adept. The participants were then placed inside an MRI scanner and asked to take part in a series of activities including reading books and performing internet searches.

While both groups saw overall brain activity increase during the tasks, the internet-based assignments created a greater burst of activity in the web-savvy users. In particular, the researchers said, they stimulated areas of the brain linked to decision making and reasoning – producing up to twice as much activity as their technologically challenged counterparts.
Although the study group was small – just 24 subjects – lead researcher Professor Gary Small said he believed the findings showed that engaging with technology could have important benefits for mental fitness.

"The study results are encouraging: emerging computerised technologies may have physiological effects and potential benefits for middle-aged and older adults," he said. "Internet searching engages complicated brain activity, which may help exercise and improve brain function."

Some technological gizmos aimed at older people have come in for criticism – particularly "brain training" games, which make explicit claims about helping keep the mind young by guiding users through mental gymnastics.

The craze led to millions of Japanese adults buying video game systems in order to play quizzes and logic puzzles. Since then heavy marketing from companies like Nintendo – which has used famous faces such as Julie Walters, Chris Tarrant and Johnny Ball – has encouraged millions of British adults to follow suit.

Elsewhere search engines such as Google have been accused of presiding over a dumbing down of information. Internet critic Nicholas Carr claimed websites were reducing levels of concentration and encouraging flighty behaviour. That opinion was reflected by research showing that readers of academic texts on the web often engage in so-called "horizontal skimming" – reading a small portion and then heading off somewhere else. But Small said that his study showed using technology could have positive affects on the mind.

"There's so much interest in exercising our minds as we age," he said. "One result of this study is that these technologies are not all bad. They may be good in keeping our brains active."

We were naturally sorry to hear the news of Greg’s development of diabetes but, in some ways, Steph having grown up with a sibling who is similarly affected might conceivably make it seem less traumatic than it might otherwise be. Greg has always struck us as a sensible and level-headed young man and feel confident that once his condition is “under control” that he will do exceedingly well and will achieve everything he might have wished for. I know that there are many excellent role models out there and did just a brief, five-minute search for professional athletes who have had diabetes. Not sure how many of these developed juvenile diabetes but I know that some of them did:

Professional athletes with diabetes: Ty Cobb, Arthur Ashe, Joe Frazier, Jay Cutler, Michael Sinclair (defensive end for the Seattle Seahawks), Art Shell (former NFL player and Oakland Raiders coach), Ron Santo (Chicago Cubs), Jackie Robinson, Sir Steve Redgrave (British Olympic rower – winner of a gold medal in five consecutive Olympics), Gary Mabutt (English soccer player), Billy Jean King, Jason Johnson (pitcher, Baltimore Orioles – wears an insulin pump when pitching), Catfish Hunter (pitcher, Oakland A’s), Kenny Duckett (wide receiver, New Orleans Saints), Wasim Akram (outstanding Pakistani cricket player).

And finally, just because it made me chuckle, a headline from the Wrexham Evening Leader (as reported in Private Eye):

Shoplifter forgot she had TV under her arm.

You couldn’t make it up!

Love to you all,

Greg


I know it’s not too funny but the following observations about the current financial climate recently appeared on the BBC web site. Some of these have an English context so apologies if they make no sense. In particular, there are a couple of references to Icesave, an Icelandic bank which has recently gone bust. Many Brits and, indeed, British local government departments, put money there due to a very high rate of return. My employer, Oxfordshire, apparently has (had?) five million pounds stashed away there.

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK

How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
Sara, London, UK

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Niall Davidson Petch, Lincoln, UK

An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"
Anthony, Paris, France

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.
Daniel, Calgary, Canada

The US Dollar

What's the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons? The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW's
Rob, London, UK

Three investment bankers are sitting outside a coffee shop, sipping glumly on their cappuccinos. The first one says "It's terrible, I have lost five million on my accounts this morning, there is no way to recover my losses. When I get back inside I'm going to go past my office, up to the fifth floor, open a window and jump out" The second one says "You think that's bad; I've lost nine million on my accounts in the last hour, I have nothing left. I'm going to ride the lift all the way up to the ninth, open a window and jump out" The third one says "I'm glad our building only has fourteen floors."
Bob, High Wycombe, UK

I had a cheque returned earlier. "Insufficient Funds" Mine or the banks?
Pyers Symon, Worcester

What have Icelandic banks and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They both have frozen assets.
Stuart Harley, West Malvern, UK

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.
Jez, Frodsham, UK

Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Sottovoce, Cambridge, UK

QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?
ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank
Madeleine Smallman, UK


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" God inquired.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking. The smells, the sights, everything is wonderful. But I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," Eve reported.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," God replied. "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied. "But for one oversight on your part: You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said: "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see, where did I put that useless boob...?"


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