The Befouled Weakly News

11 May 2008


Good morning ladies and gentleman, boys and girls and welcome to another Befouled Weakly News. We’re making good progress in our recuperation aided to no inconsiderable degree by the glorious weather we have been enjoying and the care and attention of the dedicated staff we have assigned to the project.

This has been an absolutely wonderful week to be recuperating and, I suppose, if one has to be off work for six to eight weeks one might as well endure it in the Northamptonshire countryside as Spring arrives in all its glory.

We’ve had glorious weather this week with a lot of sunshine, blue skies and delightfully pleasant temperatures. I’ve spent a goodly proportion of my time reclining peacefully in the back garden listening to the birdsong and watching the birds. The birdsong has been spectacular, apart from the 4.00 am start by the peacocks up the road each day. My resident wildlife and horticultural expert, Ms Playchute, tells me that this week and last were the highlight of the annual birdsong competition (it seems that she acquired this information from a BBC Radio programme which she listened to whilst labouring in the sweat shop one day).

I suppose it’s obvious, really, but it seems that the bird life are all seeking to acquire attractive and productive mates and what better way to advertise one’s credentials in that department than to serenade one another giving their best performances. Clearly there is a relationship between one’s sexual prowess and the quality, quantity and volume of one’s crooning – hey! it's always worked for me. Once the relevant pecking orders have been established, mates acquired and the first set of eggs impregnated, however, the requirement to be quite so impressive passes and the quality and quantity of the singing decreases appreciably. Rather like the typical guy who rolls over and starts snoring immediately having accomplished the act, I suppose. (And, of course, that is completely unlike me – I keep singing!)

A swallow in flightAs well as the birdsong, I’ve been able to enjoy the performances of the birds as they scatter about the skies, especially our resident swallows. They are simply amazing in flight, swooping and slicing through the sky, like a sharp knife slashing through silk. It always looks as if they are having tremendous fun, following each other at breakneck speed, twisting and twirling as if connected by an invisible thread. And, as well as being rivetingly entertaining, their shows also provide excellent recuperative exercise for my neck, as I have to twist and turn to follow their progress around the sky. 

You will all be relieved to know that the care and attention I have received thus far from Ms Playchute has been second to none. I appreciate there may have been some reservations on that score but rest assured she is very patient with me and we’ve only fallen out about a dozen times so far.

Let’s hope the coming week’s recuperation continues in such fine fashion.

And finally, let’s not forget to wish all our respective mothers a delightfully, wonderful Mother’s Day as well as wishing all those with birthdays this weekend (Sallie & Ben) many happy returns.

Love to you all,

Greg


A few allegedly humours anecdotes vaguely relating to Mothers.

Mother's Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.


Child Sent to Bed
A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"


Things Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Raul’s mamma says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"


We have new Babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"


Best Place for Sibling
When Ayush had a new sister, he became envious of the attention she was getting. One day while his mother was nursing the baby, Ayush was getting unyielding about being on mom's lap. Mom wasn't able to deal with both children at that time and told Ayush to go wait for her. He then asked his mom: "Mommy, can you please put Shreya back in your tummy now?"


My Teacher is Thankful
Son: “Mom, teacher was asking me today, if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.”
Mom: “That’s nice of her to take such an interest in you. So what did she say when you told her that you’re the only child, my dear?”
Son: “She just said…“Thank goodness!”


The First Parent
by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?", Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


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