The Befouled Weakly News
6 April 2008 Good morning on a delightful Friday afternoon (I am getting this ready early because we are out all day on Sunday which may or may not be today if I have e-mailed this on Sunday or at some point before Sunday). The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the temperature is a moderately pleasant 14 degrees (57.2 degrees Fahrenheit, which does make one wonder about the predictions for snow on Sunday but be that as it may). As I say, Sunday we are off bright and early for an expedition to the big city. We are off to see an exposition at the Tate Modern and then on to the British Museum to see the Terracotta Warriors (not all of them, of course, just those who could get a tourist visa). The Terracotta Warriors have been at the British Museum since about September and as soon as we heard they were going to be on display we wanted to go. Getting tickets for an appropriate day/time, however, proved virtually impossible. Ultimately, round about Christmas time I decided we would simply have to bite the bullet and make our way up at some point. Fortunately, we are just in time; the exhibition closes on Sunday. You can enjoy some of the exhibition virtually here. So, having decided to make the trek up to London we decided that we might as well make a real outing of it. In January Ms Playchute had heard of an exhibition which sounded interesting so, before we get to the Terracotta Warriors we are off to the Tate Modern to see an exhibition of work by Juan Muñoz. Muñoz was a Spanish sculptor who came to international prominence in the mid 1980s with dramatic sculptural installations that placed the human figure in specific architectural environments (or so it says on the Tate Modern site). Some of the photos look quite intriguing and it’s always fun to spend some time up in town so, again, join us virtually here. Today (Friday) we are sitting on tenterhooks awaiting the arrival of the new refrigerator and freezer about which I wrote on a previous occasion. I know, they were supposed to arrive last Saturday but, perhaps not altogether surprisingly, they failed to arrive. Interestingly, Pen had a phone call from the delivery drivers who had us on their list of addresses but for some reason the appliances were not placed on the lorry. It turns out, the reason we were given for the appliances not being on the delivery lorry was that they had not been delivered to the merchant. So, we were assured they would be with us on the following Tuesday and that we would get a phone call on the Monday evening to give us an indication of the time we could expect them. Of course, you have by now worked out that we received no such phone call on Monday and that they did not arrive on Tuesday. Pen got on the case and, after insisting on speaking to the managing directory, she extracted a cast-iron, copper-bottomed assurance that they would be with us between 2.00 and 6.00 pm on Friday. The delivery driver has just telephoned to say that he expects to be with us between 2.00 and 4.00 so, as you can see, we are getting pretty excited. We’ve emptied the old freezer to find a collection of wonderfully antique frozen offerings at the bottom (a couple of trout fillets from 2005 probably takes the cake but a collection of chicken carcasses ready to be turned into chicken stock produced probably a somewhat less enthusiastic reaction). As I said last time, the “old” freezer has done sterling work for more than a quarter of a century and, as Pen chipped away at the frost so that it is ready for the delivery guys to take it away and dispose of it in an environmentally friendly fashion, I heard her praising its performance as she said “good-bye”. Stop Press: You will be as delighted and relieved as we are to learn that the appliances did indeed arrive on Friday and are magnificent. Two bits of “news” to amuse and/or perhaps entertain you this morning. Firstly, the following appeared on the BBC site a few days ago:
I suppose it’s somewhat less offensive than some other beauty pageants which take place from time to time. You can catch a video here. And finally, the following, also from the BBC web site, continues the chronicle of Heathrow’s Terminal 5’s disastrous start – now, they are sending European baggage to Milan, Italy to be delivered to passengers who have flown to mainland Europe over the past week or so.
You couldn’t make it up! And finally, finally, did you see the story about the man who sold the domain pizza.com for $2.6 million? I wonder what stragnell.com is worth? All our love, Greg PS - And finally, finally, finally, just to demonstrate that the weather forecasters get it right sometimes!
Things My Mother Taught Me My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!" My mother taught me religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me irony: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about contortionism: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about stamina: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about weather: "It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve physics problems: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you -- would you listen then?" My mother taught me about hypocrisy: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate!" My mother taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish – each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.' 'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist'? A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After a good hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. Back to Greg's Temporary Home Page
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Ten thousand camels will be fluttering their long eyelashes in a unique international beauty pageant being held in the United Arab Emirates. 
The new £4.3bn terminal has been plagued by problems and a mounting pile of luggage since opening last week. On Wednesday, 50 domestic and European flights were expected to be cancelled. 
