The Befouled Weakly News

16 December 2007

Brrr. Cold, cold, cold, grey, grey, grey and decidedly unpleasant to say the least. But, just glancing at the weather elsewhere, not nearly so cold as it is in the northeast so we, in the temperate UK, mustn’t complain. Still, it’s cold!

I appreciate that some of my nieces (and nephews, for all I know) have some form of tattooed adornment but I have to confess I have never seen the attraction. Not that I would be particularly concerned about the discomfort although one has to ask why voluntarily subject yourself to such unpleasantness? No, for me it’s more about a tattoo being permanent and still having to put up with it thirty, forty, fifty, sixty years later. I guess there are a number of reasons which undoubtedly sound very convincing at the time but will those reasons still seem quite so convincing in the morning?

Well now, following the experiences of one young lady in the UK, I am even more convinced that this is a somewhat dubious activity. The young lady, named Joanne it seems, was apparently very much in love, newly engaged and wanted something to show her undying affection for her fiancé. The video clip on the BBC web site goes on to describe how she considered jewellery but that was too expensive; she then considered slippers but that didn’t really do it for her (or him, I suspect). So, naturally it seems, she decided to get her fiancé’s nickname tattooed in Chinese characters on her stomach. Very attractive it looks too. The only slight problem is that the Chinese characters spell out “Supermarket” instead of the boy’s nickname “Roo” – no, not for kangaroo but for Andrew, it seems. Don’t worry – it gets worse. It seems that their undying love and affection didn’t stand the test of time and they went their separate ways. Now, she has no boyfriend but a lovely tattoo which says “Supermarket.” I suppose it could be worse – it could say “Tesco” or “Sainsbury’s”. You can see the clip yourself, if you like, here.

You will be delighted to know that our wine from the south of France arrived back in the UK a week or so ago. We had an e-mail from Joe to say that it had been dispatched on one of the French Cycling vans which was returning to the UK for the winter. Now all we need to do is to arrange to get down to Luton or Hemel Hempstead or wherever it got transported to, to collect it, hopefully before Christmas but that might be a challenge. Why does work and other commitments always get in the way of much more important things?

And finally, Ms Playchute would undoubtedly tell you that I spend far too much time in the loo, but this poor chap wins a prize, I think.

Man's four days trapped in toilet

A man spent four days trapped in a toilet after the door handle broke.

David Leggat, 55, was unable to raise the alarm after becoming stuck in the toilets at Kittybrewster and Woodside Bowling Club in Aberdeen.

Mr Leggat had no mobile phone or food, and used tap water for refreshment and for heat.

He was only released when cleaner Cathy Scollay arrived and heard his cries for help. She told BBC Scotland: "He said 'I have been locked in for four days'." Mrs Scollay added: "I went in to work as normal and a voice shouted out. I could not take it in.

"The handle had broken. He was a bit shaky, and was as white as a sheet."

Mr Leggat was said to be none the worse, despite his ordeal.

And, to think of how cold it’s been makes one desperate to spend a penny.

Love to you all,

Greg


A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move."


Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.

They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."

30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."

One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty."

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty."


Setting up a new workshop? There is a lengthy list of tools you'll need. This list will help you get started:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16- or 1/2-inch socket you've lost.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2x4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is strangely appropriate.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over-tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit -- or thumbs, whichever are closer.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers, but only while in use.


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