Good morning on what I hope is a fine day in your neck of the woods. Here it is grey and overcast but it’s immeasurably better than yesterday when the howling gales were accompanied by a constant bucketing of freezing rain. Oh to be in England now that winter’s (almost) here.

As I wrote last time, Ms Playchute’s computer has been on a “go slow” for several months and all the usual remedies failed to provide any resolution. In starting the re-installation of Windows last weekend, we discovered that the hard disk was trashed. So, the new one arrived on Tuesday and yesterday’s task was to get it installed and set up again.

The first challenge, of course, was working out how to get into the computer case in the first place. There were seemingly no screws which could be unscrewed and apparently no way in. Eventually, I spotted the lever which, when pulled, released one of the side panels and then I was able to locate the hard disk. Next challenge? How to extract the hard disk from its metal cradle and replace it with the new one. At this point I decided to see how helpful the Dell website might be in providing relevant information and, to my delighted surprise, I found that their website is indeed exceedingly helpful. There was a service manual which once downloaded explained precisely, and with illustrated diagrams, how to extract the hard disk and/or any other component one might wished to have extracted.

So, the new hard disk was installed and Windows installed and we were up and running – until, that is, the next challenge presented itself. The CD we had with the computer only had Windows for reinstallation; there were no sound or video drivers and no applications. This became apparent when Windows was eventually re-installed and the monitor display came up as 640 x 480 with only 16 colours. Even Windows could tell that this wasn’t right and very helpfully offered to sort it out for me, if I would like it to. “Go on,” I thought to myself, “do the business.” And so, it set off and with a shake and a shimmer and set the display to – you guessed it – 640 x 480 with only 16 colours. Back to the Dell website and once again my hopes and expectations were exceeded. Type in a “tag” number from the side of the computer and, hey presto! there is a complete list of all the drivers required as well as the pre-installed applications all available to download and install. After a few judicious downloads and installations, Ms Playchute’s computer has been restored to its former glory and, as we speak, at least, is running like an express train. Full marks to the Dell website!

We had a very pleasant afternoon yesterday when Nick and Lucy came by to be congratulated and toasted on their engagement. We had hoped to go out to dinner with them as well as Lucy’s dad and her brother James but those plans had to be put on the back burner for the time being. Still, we enjoyed a most pleasant afternoon and toasted their excellent decision with a glass or three of champagne.

Our Christmas letters are almost in the post – Ms Playchute is busily scribbling away – but, if yours doesn’t arrive or indeed if you received nothing last year, it might be because they have fallen into the black hole of the Aberdeen Mail Centre as revealed on the BBC web site this week:

Christmas letters lost for a year The Christmas post will now be delivered a year late Thousands of Christmas letters lay undelivered in a Royal Mail depot for a year, it has emerged. About 4,000 items were found in an area of the Aberdeen Mail Centre that has not been used since last Christmas, following a relocation of equipment. A Royal Mail spokesperson said: "We would like to offer our sincere apologies to our customers." The mail will now be delivered. Customers with concerns about missing mail can call 08457 740 740. The spokesperson said: "This appears to have been an unfortunate human error and no individual has been identified as being responsible. "However, strong measures have been put in place to ensure this does not happen again. "The safety and security of mail is of paramount importance to this business and Royal Mail takes every step to ensure that mail reaches customers correctly. Incidents such as this are a rare occurrence."

If yours never arrives or if you simply can’t wait for it, you can acquire an earlier version on line here.

And, did you read about Hugo Chavez changing the time zone in Venezuela so that they will have “more daylight”? I know he’s a bit eccentric to say the least but anyone who thinks changing the clocks has any impact on the hours of sunshine each day is, essentially, stark raving bonkers.

Love to you all,

Greg

---

When my daughter was about 10 years old I became pregnant. Of course, she wanted to know how it happened, so I gave what I considered an appropriate explanation of the process.

She asked, "Did you do that to get me?"

I said yes, and she responded, "And you did it again?"

---

The other day," said the woman to the psychiatrist, "I happened to see my son and the little girl next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the shrink, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my son's wife."

---

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Yes, Mrs. Kisselman?" the pastor prompted.

"Two months ago," she began in a firm, clear voice as she turned to the packed house, "my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She went on, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and, the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

The lady made a slight bow of thanks and headed back for her pew as all the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim. I just wanted to tell my wife, once again, that the word is sternum!”

---

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.

"Father's date of birth?" she asked.

When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

---

Back to the Befouled Weakly News