The Befouled Weakly News

2 December 2007

What a miserably miserable morning we are faced with today – the rain is on the verge of sheeting down and the wind on the cusp of developing into a howling gale. In fact, just about what the weather forecast suggests – the map shows this large, dark blob of rain spreading across the UK and beautiful, downtown Byfield is more or less in the middle.

All of which makes me somewhat relieved that we went for a long walk down the canal yesterday morning instead of suggesting such an expedition today. As it was, the wind was blowing into our face all the way down the canal and the temperature was anything other than warm and/or balmy but the sun was shining, it was a gloriously clear day and Molly thoroughly enjoyed herself.

Sorry to say that the Sixty Facts about Dad and Mom’s wedding have so far failed to materialise so we shall have to postpone the comparison of their wedding with that of the Windsors. I imagine, at least, that they didn’t go on honeymoon with Mom’s favourite corgi Susan. (And note how the dog’s name is “Susan” not “Susie” or any other diminutive).

Friday and Saturday were spent in a very frustrating activity (apart from the canal walk, of course). Ms Playchute and her business partner have been “complaining” for some time about the state of their business computer. For some months it has been on a “go slow” which has caused them considerable angst. As their resident IT support expert I have tried everything I know how to try, all to no avail. It has been de-fragged, de-virused, de-bloated innumerable times and it still continues to operate at a snail’s pace. So, finally, on Friday I decided to back everything up, reformat the hard disk and start again with a clean installation of Windows. So, off we went and everything seemed fine until the Windows install disk threw up a read error. Oops, start again… and again … and again. Conclusion, the hard disk is trashed which was possibly the root cause of the molasses-like performance in the first place. So, the next part of the day was spent setting up their accounts and restoring everything to my laptop so that they could at least continue to operate their business at the start of play on Monday while waiting for a new hard disk to arrive. Hopefully, that will cure the problem and I can retrieve my laptop. We’ll let you know!

Ran across the following on one of the numerous lists that drop through my letter box each day. I’ve run across many of them before but don’t we all wish we could use language to the same devastating effect as these. Most of us tend to think of these types of insults about three days after the original conversation took place.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend....if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leona rd

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho

I can certainly sympathise with Groucho’s comment!

Love to you all,

Greg


This reminds me of an account Dad told of when he was selling the delightful Dolly the Donkey, something along the lines of “Wife’s Ass Going Cheap.” There were a few others which, perhaps, he can share.

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is - being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.


No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle, I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in the chin.


From Dad – Why men do not write personal advice columns

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sally

ANSWER:

Dear Sally:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter


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