Good morning to you all from beautiful Lake George. The clan is gathering and the festivities have commenced. For those of you who are already here – it is a delight and pleasure to enjoy your company once again; for those of you still to come we eagerly look forward to your arrival.

Penelope and I arrived in a satisfactory condition at Steph and Hope’s on Wednesday following a thankfully routine and utterly uninteresting flight from London to Boston. Even the movies were uninspiring – the highlight of the entertainment was “The Queen” with Helen Mirren on the coach up from the airport.

Our reservations had secured us the Grotto Suite where the accommodation is very comfortable indeed although the practice of leaving small chocolates on the pillow seems to have been neglected on this occasion. When Penelope complained to the management it seems that some feeble excuse concerning the warm weather was proffered.

Mom and Dad (Grandma and Grandpa) are well and looking forward to the impending invasion with a stoic fortitude. We were all invited to dinner at Kendal on Thursday evening during which time we had friendly conversations with a collection of the inmates, one of whom revealed to us that Mom had been promoted. Never one to blow her own trumpet it took some fevered persuasion before she would share the details of her achievements.

It seems that Mom has been taking some water aerobics classes at Kendal and, not surprisingly, before anyone can be granted permission to use the pool unaccompanied they need to pass a swimming test – a no doubt very sensible precaution. Unfortunately, Mom has difficulties raising her arms out of the water and although she can “doggy-paddle” quite satisfactorily, she was unable to “swim” to the adjudicating committee’s satisfaction and therefore was deemed to have “failed” the swimming examination. This meant that she clearly could not be trusted with the combination to the lock to the swimming pool.

It turns out that this caused some considerable consternation amongst a number of the other members of the water aerobics club as there had never previously been anyone who had “failed” the swimming test. Fortunately, as far as Mom was concerned this “failure” was of absolutely no consequence as she had no intention of availing herself of the aquatic facilities on her own in any event and the fact that she was not privy to the combination to the lock was of no interest. However, one of the guests at dinner on Thursday revealed that the Aquatic Privy Council had convened (in secret session) and had reconsidered the details of their stringent swimming examination. The result of the deliberations was that Mom’s examination has been re-graded and she has now been awarded a pass in Basic Swimming 101 – being able to doggy-paddle the length of the pool is now sufficient qualification after all. In a secret passing-out ceremony, she was given the secret combination to the lock (which she was apparently instructed to memorise and swallow) and she can now use the facilities unattended.

Naturally, we were all delighted and exceedingly proud to learn that our mother had been promoted. It was only after we had offered our fulsome congratulations that she revealed that the whole swimming pool is only four feet deep anyway!

Yours on the dock basking in the sunshine,

Greg

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.

"Give me a Budweiser, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r... w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Two men drove to a gas station because they heard about a contest offered by the station to clients who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," explained the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"OK... I guess 7," said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10. If you guess right, you win free sex."

"2," said the second man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 4," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to his friend, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No, I'm sure it isn't," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

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