Can anyone possibly provide me with some life-size, detailed plans which will enable me to construct a replica of Noah’s ark? I’ve looked on the ‘net but all I can find are some plans to build a model of the ark – I suppose I could scale it up but the thought of doing all that multiplication in cubits has got me somewhat concerned. Suppose I get it all wrong and don’t leave enough space for the elephants?
The reason I ask is that we are well into our second week of virtually non-stop rain – forty days and nights can sneak by pretty quickly – and I think it’s time to make some escape plans.
I suppose we shouldn’t be all that surprised – the Glastonbury Festival started on Thursday and that is virtually guaranteed to induce three or four days of torrential rain (remember the photos from Ms Playchute’s expedition to the festival in 1999? Here is a link to the photos in case you’ve forgotten.
And, of course, Wimbledon starts on Monday so we can more or less be assured of at least another two weeks of rain. So, as you can see, four weeks and hey presto! we’re more than half way there.
I have to confess, there was a short cessation in the precipitation yesterday afternoon so I was able to nip outside and give the lawns a short back and sides. Since they didn’t get mowed last week and they’ve had plenty of rain, I did have to go over them with a machete in the first instance to reduce the jungle to a height with which the lawn mower could cope. But I did manage to get them mowed before the rain started again and, at the very least, the fish are delighted I did so that they can put their deck chairs back out on the lawn without getting lost in the rain forest.
Perhaps the short answer would be merely to emigrate to Schagen in the Netherlands and join Johan Huibers in his efforts:
| Dutchman builds modern Noah's Ark Dutchman Johan Huibers is building a working replica of Noah's Ark as a testament to his Christian faith. The 47-year-old from Schagen, 45km (30 miles) north of Amsterdam, plans to set sail in September through the interior waters of the Netherlands. Johan's Ark is a fifth of the size of Noah's and will carry farmyard animals.
Although Mr Huibers has tried to remain true to the ark described in the Bible, Johan's Ark is constructed with American cedar and Norwegian pine, rather than "gopher wood". 'Smell of dung' According to Genesis, Noah kept seven pairs of most domesticated animals, and one breeding pair of all other creatures. This will speak very much to children... they'll hear the creak of the wood, smell the smell of the dung Noah's wife, three sons and three daughters-in-law lived together on the boat for almost a year while the world was flooded. Mr Huibers' vision is more modest - he said he plans to stock his ark with horses, lambs, chickens and rabbits - mostly baby animals to save space. "This will speak very much to children, because it will give them something tangible to see that Noah's Ark really existed," Mr Huibers told the Associated Press news agency. The total cost of the project is estimated to be just under 1m euros (£0.7m; US$1.2m) and was funded with bank loans. Mr Huibers plans to charge people to tour the boat and said a drink and religious pamphlet will be included in the admission price. At least 100,000 people will need to visit for the project to break-even financially. Mr Huibers said his wife was not very keen on the idea. "She always says: 'Why don't you go dig wells in Ethiopia?'," he said. "I've been involved in projects there before but she understands this is my dream." |
Mr Huibers, who plans to open the vessel as a religious monument and zoo, hopes the project will renew interest in Christianity in the Netherlands.I guess it just goes to show that there are enough crazy people out there to make up for the rest of us.
Last week’s attempt to “name and shame” those who haven’t yet communicated their travel plans for the Huletts Adventure reaped partial results – we heard from Sallie that Lisa and Amelie will be able to attend which is great news and that Karl will also put in a fleeting appearance but that their respective other halves clearly have better sense and have managed to ensure that their schedule is sufficiently full of other, considerably more important engagements. Still no news from “Pissed Off in Portland”, “Outraged in Redwood”, nor “Hung Over in Hanover” – clearly they are desperately scouring the Internet for the latest bargain fares to Belarus, Talin or any other place they can spend their vacation rather than putting in an appearance at the reunion.
Love to you all,
Greg
A very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge outside San Antonio one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father!"
"Mom and Dad are both dead," he said sadly, then turned back toward his doom. "I'm going to jump!"
"Wait!" she said. "Think of your wife and children!"
"My wife left me," he replied, "and I don't have any kids."
"Well, then," she said, grasping at straws, "think of the Alamo!"
He replied, "What's the Alamo?"
"Well bless your heart," she said. "Just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee!"
At last, a solution to that perennial problem of what to serve the vegetarians at dinner:
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute, etc., tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.
Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighbourhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi, How was a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everything was-a perfect except for da train a ride down."
What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautiful Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with Vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.
"The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open da bottle of Vino!
"Conductor walk by me again, wag his a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.' So we go to club'a car.
"While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger agin and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to da smoker car.' So we go to da smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to da sleeper car and a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through da car corridor shouting at top of his voice, 'NO'FOLK'A, VIRGINIA! NO'FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"
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