The Befouled Weakly News

3 June 2007

Well, one thing’s clear – Ms Playchute’s popularity rating is off the charts if one is able to judge by the number of cards which flopped through our letterbox in recognition of her birthday. There isn’t sufficient room on the “birthday card shelf” in the kitchen for the multitude of kind greetings she received and, while I have to confess that there was no card from me (apart from an e-card which I remembered to send at the 11th hour), I also have to confess to feeling moderately envious that someone, apart from me, could be quite so popular. She had cards from Australia, some from Canada, a collection from the States and an assortment from the UK. She also, of course, had phone calls beginning at the crack of dawn and continuing until late in the evening, half of which were from folks I had only a passing acquaintance with.

At least the plethora of birthday cards hopefully compensated for the underwhelming celebrations which were distinctly unorganised by those who should have done better, i.e. me. It’s not that I forgot it’s just that somehow I never got myself organised and, essentially, failed miserably. It’s a wonder she is still speaking to me. So, thank you to all those who did remember and sent a greeting or made a phone call – the distractions probably saved my bacon.

The day itself was miserable – as she put it herself, one of the worst days she can remember coinciding with her birthday. It rained more or less all day and was cold and miserable – so cold that even I felt obliged to turn the central heating back on. So, no card from me, no present from me, no birthday surprise from me and cold and miserable as well. A great day!

Those of you on Pete Taylor’s mailing list will have learned by now of his misfortune in his quest to visit every major league baseball stadium and an assortment of minor league ones as well. For those of you who aren’t on his mailing list you can catch up with his endeavours at http://www.heavenoriowa.com

In short, Pete had been suffering with what he thought was probably an eye infection which, fortunately, he had investigated while he was in Albuquerque. It turns out he had a detached retina which required immediate surgery to repair. The surgery took place on Tuesday which has, understandably, set his plans back a bit. Sally flew out on Friday and reports from the Econo Lodge just adjacent to I-25 in Albuquerque are that he is recuperating slowly. He has another check-up with the hospital in three or four days’ time and after that they may be able to tell how soon and where he can get back on his tour. I guess it could be worse – shortly before Sally arrived in Albuquerque Pete received an email from a young woman he had never met, a baseball fanatic who wants to leave her husband and run away with him. Apparently, Sally’s all in favour.

The following I found moderately amusing mainly because of the image of the villagers forming an orderly queue to wait their turn atop the park bench.

Villagers find mobile phone signal after 10 years

Lee Glendinning
Tuesday May 15, 2007
The Guardian

Mobile phone users in a remote village are to get a special podium that will allow them to make and receive calls, after they found the only spot they could get a signal was two feet above their heads.

Villagers in East Prawle, Devon, had to stand on a bench on the village green to make their calls, but the bench became dirty and damaged from over-use. To solve the problem, Chivelstone parish council has decided to build a podium.

East Prawle, population 200, has never had network coverage and the nearest mobile phone mast is 2.5 miles north of the village at Scoble Point near South Pool. It was a holiday maker who eventually discovered that if you stood on the bench and faced west you could make a call. Soon afterwards, queues began to snake back from the bench at peak times.

Elderly residents then complained to the council that the seat was too dirty to sit on.

Richard Cordy, 65, a retired shop owner, said: "It is a bit a embarrassing for people to have to climb on to a park bench, but it's the only way. You have to move very slowly and face in the right direction to catch the signal, but once you have got it you can make a call.

"The residents here have been waiting 10 years for phone signal in the village and visitors are always grumbling about it.

"But now everyone is wanting to use it and there was a small queue with visitors wanting to use their phone on the weekend. It is all a bit mad really."

Councillor David Hampden Smith, chairman of the parish council, said: "It was a case of you can't beat them, join them. It is a lot of money for a small community council, but it seems that everyone wanted it.

"We have decided to put a podium there because the bench is getting ruined ... Lots of people are using it to make important calls. We have a lot of campers who visit this area and they often need to ring home. Everyone in the village has been against phone masts and now there doesn't seem to be the need for one."

Love to you all,

Greg


This has been around the block a few times but still makes me smile, probably because it is exactly what Pen would say (or, at least, I hope she would):

A friend and his wife were considering travelling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."


This from Donna – never having seen Survivor I can’t really comment on the severity of the challenges but it sounds like murder to me!

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

Each man must adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me."

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!


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