Good morning on a wonderfully, beautiful day in downtown Hanover, New Hampshire. I appreciate that this will come as somewhat of a shock as I had warned that there would probably be no Weakly News this week due to our expedition around some of the finer restaurants in the greater New England. However, yesterday I received a threat of legal action by one of our subscribers in Portland (who shall, of course, remain nameless), if she did not receive her subscription this morning. So, although the great restaurant ramble has hardly begun, we feel obliged to provide some description if only to avoid the thump of a writ landing on Steph's doormat.
The flight was good and pleasurably straight-forward. Steph had e-mailed the morning of our departure to explain that Hope's sister, Doc, was traveling from Boston to Hanover on the Friday afternoon and had volunteered to collect us from the airport and deliver us to Chez Stragnanza if convenient. Regrettably, when we emerged from the customs hall having persuaded the immigration staff of our honourable intentions, there was no one leaning over the barrier clutching a notice labeled "Stragnell" which was a source of considerable disappointment to me – I have always wanted to be greeted in such a way. So, I telephoned Steph to discover that Doc couldn't leave Boston until about 4.00 pm and since the Dartmouth coach left at 3.00 we reverted to Plan A.
That was my first mistake – calling Steph rather than telephoning Dad and Mom as had been originally discussed. So, on the trip up the thruway we were blissfully unaware that Dad and Mom intended to collect us from New Lebanon while we and our baggage were booked through all the way to Hanover. Imagine our surprise to see a sprightly young couple replete with brightly-ribboned hat waiting to greet the coach in New Lebanon. Imagine, then, the disappointment of the driver who had to dig through the multitude of bags, all of which had been carefully placed in order of disembarkation, ours being buried in the very bowels of the coach. Still, he managed it with much good grace and we were off in a flash to our first culinary delight of the expedition – excellent and occasionally very spicy enchiladas. Beating off the jetlag, I am pleased to say we did it justice.
You will have to wait for the rest of the details, I am afraid. The whole of the expedition has been framed around the usual assortment of fine restaurants, as you can imagine. Following Steph's fine enchiladas, we ate last night at an exceedingly fine Italian restaurant in town which is relatively new, I gather, just as a way of easing our way gently into the difficult challenges to be faced in the week ahead, you understand.
Finally, the attached photo I couldn't resist - it was from Friday morning's Guardian and shows the Queen sheltering from rain during her opening of new lawn tennis training facilities.
Love to you all,
Greg
This reminds me of the way our relationship works whenever Penny suggests I might like to carry out some sort of chore....
One March day my wife said that the house needed painting.
"It's still winter," I replied. "Forget it."
In April, she told me she had bought some exterior latex. I said that it was still too cold to paint.
In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help, and we set up the ladder so she could start painting. Then I went inside to get a beer. As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, a neighbor passed by. "Aren't you ashamed?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting the house?"
Glancing up at my wife, I responded, "She doesn't like beer."
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "It really works."
"Not a chance," says she. "He won't even take an aspirin."
"No problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" he asked.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"I don't understand," said the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed--driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
The way children see things
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added , "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS- UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Back to the Befouled Weakly News Index
Back to Greg's Temporary Home Page