The Befouled Weakly News

14 January 2007

Good morning to you all on what looks like being a fairly nice day in beautiful downtown Byfield. It’s clear, the gale force winds we have experienced over the past few days have abated and even the weather forecaster suggest that it should be a fine day.

We have had most unusual weather so far this winter – in fact, it’s really a violation of the Trades Description Act to call the season we have been enveloped in since December as “winter”. We’ve had, fortunately, a bit of rain, some high winds now and again but only about one frosty morning during that time and generally the temperature has been unseasonably mild. Even the lacewings, which pass the winter months slumbering in the gaps in our window frames, are starting to come out – I opened the bathroom window the other morning and a cloud of them fluttered into my face. On our walk through Chipping Warden the other day we took a slight detour across the edge of a field to avoid the worst of the muddy path and, as we did so, a swarm of gnats rose from the grass and enveloped us in a cloud. What birds are still in the country must be having a feast but it’s all a bit spooky – Mother Nature is definitely being messed around. An article on the Guardian website this morning talks about the death of the Alpine skiing industry within 45 years:

Melting glaciers will destroy Alpine resorts within 45 years, says report

Alex Duval Smith in Paris
Sunday January 14, 2007
The Observer

The grandchildren of today's skiers are likely to know the white peaks of Switzerland only from the wrappers of chocolate bars. A remarkable report on climate change that will be handed to European governments this week will say that the effect of rising temperatures will mean an end to snow across large areas of the Alps.

The report, by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, will predict the disappearance of 75 per cent of Alpine glaciers within 45 years, a surge in avalanches and floods and the closure of all but the highest ski resorts.

The 130-page document, which is the first to assess the economic impact of global warming on European leisure, comes as resorts are struggling to get their skiing seasons off the ground. Today's Snowshoe Festival in 45 French resorts has been downgraded to 'a ramble' and, according to trade unions, 40,000 French seasonal workers have still not begun work.

Shardul Agrawala, author of 'Climate Change in the European Alps', said the report shows the impact of global warming is already very real. 'There tends to be a view that climate change is decades away and that it will affect faraway places. But if you look at the Alps, whose recent warming has advanced at three times the average world rate, you can tell it is happening already.'

A foretaste of how skiing is likely to be affected is revealed by current snow levels across the Alps. Very little fell before Christmas, leaving skiers facing barren slopes. 'There was a major fall at New Year but since then the weather has been mild,' said Betony Garner of the Ski Club of Great Britain. 'Very few resorts below 1,500 metres have much snow. Many people who booked in advance will have been disappointed and in the next few years I think we are going to see people holding off until they see the snow reports. Many resorts, particularly low-lying ones in Austria and Italy, are already thinking of moving into new markets, such as spas. However, skiers will keep trying to find snow no matter how difficult it is to get to.'

And so on – pretty depressing stuff.

Looking forward to the second round of the playoffs today. We’ve recorded last night’s games and will carefully avoid looking anywhere which might have the results until we come back from jumping up and down at the gym and can sit down and watch. I’m not sure if Ms Playchute will be prepared to repeat her enthusiastic participation of last week where she implemented what turned out to be a very effective wagering strategy – she supported the teams whose nicknames were birds. Hence, she picked the Seahawks over the Cowboys and the Eagles over the Giants. Clearly we won’t know if this strategy will continue to be successful (and, of course, we could lose all of them this weekend) but if the Ravens go all the way I’m putting money down on whichever species she chooses to support next year.

Love to you all,

Greg


This from Dad (and someone else sent it to me but I forget who – apologies!)

It was reported on the news today that Microsoft has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. The i-boob is considered to be a major break through because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!


During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, a patrolman signalled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do the driving."


Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can’t get my instrument bag open."



Also from Dad

I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that, maybe, if I acted crazy, then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung on the ceiling and made buzzing noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

When the Boss came into the office, he asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He replied, "Clearly, you are stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down, cleared my desk, and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) began to follow me, the Boss asked her, "Where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the DARK !"


And finally, this also from Dad (you can see how provides the vast majority of my material)

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a 'hissie fit' and a 'conniption fit,' and that you don't HAVE 'em, you PITCH 'em.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they understand the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of turnip greens. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.

Only a Southerner knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that the word "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or
an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when "in line"... talk to everybody! (Actually, this one is not quite right because we know that it also applies to our mother who, as far as I know, is not a true Southerner).

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, 'y'all' is singular .... 'all y'all' is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is a breakfast item, and that fried green tomatoes are great anytime.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin’," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And to all y'all who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff ... bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on 'Southernness as a second language.'

For all y'all who are not from the South but have been here a long time, just hang a sign on the front porch that reads, "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."


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