The Befouled Weakly News

22 October 2006

Good morning on a grey morning with a slightly brisk feel to it. Autumn has definitely arrived even though, on the whole, we are still enjoying temperatures markedly in excess of what we should be experiencing toward the end of October. As it stayed dry for most of yesterday, I was able to give the lawns what I hope will be their final mow of the season. Still, since it was wet the weekend before last and we were away last week, the lawns have escaped their weekly mow for a couple of weeks now. Normally, at this time of year, that wouldn’t matter, but as the temperatures have been so mild, the grass had grown to something in the region of two feet six inches high and the mowing was a chore, to say the least. (Actually, mowing is always a chore – it’s just that yesterday was more of a chore than usual).

We had great fun with our friends Sue and Stuart last weekend. We drove down to Brighton on the Saturday to be greeted with the news that Brighton is staging a three week comedy festival and that we were off to see a chap named Ross Noble perform a stand up routine. We’ve seen him on television a couple of times and always found him tolerably amusing so this was an outing to be anticipated. And we were not disappointed. He did three hours of non-stop comedy which was only sparingly scripted. Essentially, we think he had a beginning and an ending routine ready but all the rest was sparked by comments from the audience which he picks up on and runs with to the point of exhaustion – it was very good. I don’t imagine he makes it to the States although he does apparently travel moderately well as he is apparently well known in Australia (where he lives part of the time) as well as in the UK. All in all, a very pleasant weekend.

We’re just in the final stages of finalising details of a short break away in a couple of weeks. What with our forty-seven visitors during the summer, we never really got away for any length of time so we decided we were more than due. In addition, the SeamStresses have been toying with the idea of arranging a business outing to visit their new fabric supplier in Lyons, France. So, we decided to tag on a week away in Andalucía prior to meeting up with Pete and Sal in Lyons. The idea is to fly to Malaga and spend a week visiting Seville, Cordoba and Granada (and environs) and then fly to Geneva, hop a train to Lyons in time for our meeting with the fabric supplier. Then, just the one night in Lyons before flying back to the UK – we’ll be gone about ten days in all so this will serve to give those of you who care about such things a bit of advance notice: the Weakly News will be non-existent on Sunday 5 November (unless someone would like to step in as our guest editor). The plan is to be back on Saturday 11 November so, with a bit of luck (or bad luck, according to your point of view), there may be a short photo edition on Sunday 12; we’ll keep you posted.

Other than that, life wanders on in its usual way.

Love to you all,


From Dad – a veritable plethora of anecdotes concerning Engineers.


Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment, then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.

The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."


Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."


An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For months all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did you manage that?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only $20! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

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