The Befouled Weakly News

17 September 2006
Good morning on another tolerably passable day in beautiful downtown Byfield. A bit of grey sunshine this morning but pleasantly mild and looking like one of those days which could go either way – it could turn out pleasant and moderately sunny or it could rain. This being Britain, the likelihood is that it will rain, of course.

Apologies for last week’s delivery delay – I don’t know the cause behind the tardy arrival of the Befouled News other than some mail server somewhere (presumably mine) was on go-slow all weekend. I knew something was a bit fishy when Ms Playchute kept asking whether I had sent the news to which I replied, “Yes. About an hour ago.” Or two hours, three hours, etc. throughout the day. I also knew something was up as I always address a copy to myself (that, at least, ensures that I get some mail once a week). However, it didn’t arrive, and didn’t arrive until finally the customer complaints began to arrive as well. So, as you know, we dispatched it via another account and it arrived in a flash. Naturally, we knew it hadn’t vanished altogether as, of course, it arrived the following morning with no explanation, i.e. attached by Indians just outside of Dodge, hence the delay. I regret to say that even my tart e-mail to the support desk, “Can you give me any explanation why my outgoing mail should have been delayed by up to 24 hours?” elicited no response whatsoever. Hey ho. I’ll keep an eye on this week’s delivery and, if it is tardy or slow, I will start to dispatch it via Gmail.

Not much to relate this week you will be glad to hear. We’re both back at work with a vengeance and haven’t done much aside from the boring stuff that pays the mortgage and keeps the dog fed. It seems that everyone and their brother wants a new playchute for the new season – I can, from time to time, hear the plaintive plea from the factory floor upstairs whenever the phone rings, “Oh, no! Not another order!” On the one hand, nice to know that your product is indispensable to Scout, Guiding and church groups all over the country; on the other hand, nice to know that you can moan about your success without the boss taking offence.

I ran across the following somewhere during the week and it reminded me of how dangerous our cycling outings could be – we certainly have squirrels aplenty around our country lanes:

HELSINSKI, Finland - An opera singer who was riding his bike was probably looking out for cars or other people on the street. He most likely wasn't watching out for a nutty squirrel who jumped into his bicycle spokes and caused a bad accident. Esa Ruuttunen was on his way to a rehearsal of a new opera when the squirrel jumped into the spokes and caused Ruuttunen to suffer a concussion and a broken nose. He ended up in the hospital instead of at the opera house, and the squirrel did not survive. The new opera has its world premiere on September 15, and Ruuttunen is hopeful he will be well enough to participate as planned.

Shame about the squirrel.

I can’t remember if I sent the attached before or not so, if so, apologies. It is, as you can see, a meeting held in the office of the Grand Bassa County Superintendent in Liberia and includes, on the left-hand side with the beige trousers, the Special Representative of the Secretary General one Jordan Ryan. It looks suspiciously to me as if he is sound asleep.

One other little tidbit I picked up in the news this week:

The Hard Drive celebrated its fiftieth birthday on 13 September. Fifty years ago IBM introduced the first magnetic hard drive – the Random Access Method of Accounting and Control (RAMAC) – which offered a whopping 5Mb of storage on a total of 50 disks measuring 24 inches in diameter.

The price? A mere $50,000.

Wow! I recently bought an external hard drive that is a mere 50,000 times bigger for just over $100 – how times have changed.

And finally, Dad suggested that I should announce the answers along with the winner in the “Name the Butlers” competition so here they are along with their relational descriptions (from left to right):

Liz (Jeremy's wife, Jeremy (Penny's younger brother), Jake (Jeremy & Liz's youngest), Thi (Judy's adopted daughter), Penny, Beryl, Nathaniel (Liz and Jeremy's middle child), Hannah (Nathaniel's girlfriend), Oz, Molly, Naomi (Liz and Jeremy's eldest), Judy (Penny's elder sister), Greg, Sugar and Adam.

Love to you all,


Lewis's wife on an airplane, strikes up a conversation with the geeky computer programmer sitting next to her.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'm going to San Jose," says the geek, "to a UNIX convention."

Later, Lewis picks his wife up at the airport.

"How was the flight?" he asks.

"OK, I guess," she says. "I sat next to this guy I felt really sorry for."

"Why'd you feel sorry for him?"

"He didn't have any testicles."

"What!" Lewis was shocked. "And just how did you learn that?"

"Because he said he was going to a eunuchs' convention."

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "Hey, I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers borders on the ridiculous!"

"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe, sir, you are complaining about your room number."

Two blondes drive into a lumberyard. The passenger gets out of the truck, walks up to a worker, and says she needs a bunch of four-by-twos.

"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.

"Hm, I'm not sure," the blonde says. "I'll go check."

She walks back to the truck, and the two blondes consult a book.

"Yeah," she says after getting the answer. "I meant two-by-fours."

"All right," says the worker. "How long do you need them?"

This time, the sweet young thing didn't even need to consult the book.

"A really long time," she says. "We're gonna build a house."

Back to the Befouled Weakly News Index

Back to Greg's Temporary Home Page