A mother decided to try a new recipe for corn-bread muffins using fresh corn. After tasting one, her seven-year-old son made no comment. “Honey,” she asked, “do you notice anything different about my muffins?”<\/p>\n
“Yeah, Mom,” he replied. “They’re not burned.”<\/p>\n
A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”<\/p>\n
Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Damn, do you have good eyesight!”<\/p>\n
Vladamir Putin, the Russian President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.<\/p>\n
“Hallo, Mr. Putin!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin’ to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”<\/p>\n
“Well, Paddy,” Putin replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”<\/p>\n
Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”<\/p>\n
Putin paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 600,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”<\/p>\n
“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”<\/p>\n
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.<\/p>\n
“Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”<\/p>\n
“And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Putin asks.<\/p>\n
“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”<\/p>\n
Putin sighs, amused; “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 15,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 750,000 since we last spoke.”<\/p>\n
“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”<\/p>\n
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.<\/p>\n
“Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”<\/p>\n
Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1500 bombers and 2000 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 1,000,000!”<\/p>\n
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”<\/p>\n
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.<\/p>\n
“Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Putin. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”<\/p>\n
“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Putin. “Why the sudden change of heart?”<\/p>\n
“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 1,000,000 Russian prisoners.”<\/p>\n
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