{"id":4572,"date":"2013-04-07T08:55:11","date_gmt":"2013-04-07T07:55:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.stragnell.com\/befoulednews\/?p=4572"},"modified":"2013-04-07T08:53:26","modified_gmt":"2013-04-07T07:53:26","slug":"7-april-2013-amusements","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.stragnell.com\/befoulednews\/2013\/04\/07\/7-april-2013-amusements\/","title":{"rendered":"7 April 2013 – Amusements"},"content":{"rendered":"

A young bride-to-be went to see her local priest to check on the preparations for her wedding.<\/p>\n

“How can I help?” he asked.<\/p>\n

“Well, Father”, she began, “it’s to do with my wedding dress. I was wondering what colour it should be.”<\/p>\n

“The answer to that depends on your virtues, my dear”, replied the priest.<\/p>\n

“What do you mean?” the innocent girl asked.<\/p>\n

“It’s simple,” said the priest. “If you are pure and have not sinned, then you wear white.”<\/p>\n

“And if…?” asked the girl.<\/p>\n

“Otherwise, you wear blue,” explained the priest.<\/p>\n

“Oh, I see. Thank you very much.” she said, and turned to go.<\/p>\n

“Wait a moment.”, said the priest. “What color will you be wearing?”<\/p>\n

“White!” said the girl.<\/p>\n

“Oh good,” smiled the priest.<\/p>\n

“…with hundreds of little blue polka dots.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\n

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars\u2019 worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.<\/p>\n

\n

These came from Dad \u2013 I seem to remember having heard most of these at some point or other.<\/p>\n

What My Parents Taught me<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”<\/li>\n
  2. My Parents taught me RELIGION. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”<\/li>\n
  3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”<\/li>\n
  4. My Parents taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”<\/li>\n
  5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”<\/li>\n
  6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”<\/li>\n
  7. My Parents taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”<\/li>\n
  8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”<\/li>\n
  9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”<\/li>\n
  10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”<\/li>\n
  11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”<\/li>\n
  12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”<\/li>\n
  13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”<\/li>\n
  14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”<\/li>\n
  15. My Parents taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”<\/li>\n
  16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”<\/li>\n
  17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”<\/li>\n
  18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”<\/li>\n
  19. My Parents taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”<\/li>\n
  20. My Parents taught me HUMOR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”<\/li>\n
  21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”<\/li>\n
  22. My Parents taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”<\/li>\n
  23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”<\/li>\n
  24. My Parents taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”<\/li>\n
  25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”*<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!! But, there is one missing from this list \u2013 a personal all-time favorite!!<\/p>\n

    My Parents taught me about CHOICE. “Do you want me to stop this car?”<\/p>\n

    \n

     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    A young bride-to-be went to see her local priest to check on the preparations for her wedding. “How can I help?” he asked. “Well, Father”, she began, “it’s to do with my wedding dress. I was wondering what colour it should be.” “The answer to that depends on your virtues, my dear”, replied the priest. … <\/p>\n

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