{"id":1743,"date":"2011-09-04T07:55:03","date_gmt":"2011-09-04T06:55:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.stragnell.com\/befoulednews\/?p=1743"},"modified":"2011-09-03T11:42:06","modified_gmt":"2011-09-03T10:42:06","slug":"4-september-2011-amusements","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.stragnell.com\/befoulednews\/2011\/09\/04\/4-september-2011-amusements\/","title":{"rendered":"4 September 2011 – Amusements"},"content":{"rendered":"

These from Dad.<\/p>\n

PARAPROSDOKIANS<\/p>\n

I had to look up “paraprosdokian”. Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.<\/p>\n

So, here are more paraprosdokians; enjoy!<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.<\/li>\n
  2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.<\/li>\n
  3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.<\/li>\n
  4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.<\/li>\n
  5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public..<\/li>\n
  6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.<\/li>\n
  7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.<\/li>\n
  8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.<\/li>\n
  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.<\/li>\n
  10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.<\/li>\n
  11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.<\/li>\n
  12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify: ‘I put ‘DOCTOR.’<\/li>\n
  13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.<\/li>\n
  14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.<\/li>\n
  15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.<\/li>\n
  16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.<\/li>\n
  17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.\u00a0 So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.<\/li>\n
  18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.<\/li>\n
  19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.<\/li>\n
  20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.<\/li>\n
  21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.<\/li>\n
  22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.<\/li>\n
  23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.<\/li>\n
  24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.<\/li>\n
  25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.<\/li>\n
  26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.<\/li>\n
  27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.<\/li>\n
  28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.<\/li>\n
  29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.<\/li>\n
  30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.<\/li>\n
  31. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.<\/li>\n
  32. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?<\/li>\n
  33. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!<\/li>\n
  34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever<\/li>\n
  35. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.<\/li>\n
  36. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.<\/li>\n
  37. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.<\/li>\n
  38. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.<\/li>\n
  39. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.<\/li>\n
  40. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Words of Wisdom: “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”<\/p>\n

    \n

    After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.<\/p>\n

    The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world. Give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.<\/p>\n

    The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.<\/p>\n

    The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.<\/p>\n

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson?”<\/p>\n

    The Molson Canadian president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”<\/p>\n

    \n

    Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s the matter now?\u201d<\/p>\n

    \u201cDad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,\u201d said little Johnny through his tears. \u201cThat\u2019s not so serious,\u201d soothed his mother. \u201cI know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn\u2019t cry at something like that. Why didn\u2019t you just laugh?<\/p>\n

    \u201cI did!\u201d sobbed Johnny.<\/p>\n

    \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    These from Dad. PARAPROSDOKIANS I had to look up “paraprosdokian”. Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian. So, here are … <\/p>\n

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