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13 February 2011 – Amusements

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now.
 
“Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the  work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
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6 February 2011

What a difference a week can make. Last weekend we were shivering in Arctic-like freezing conditions; “If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze, till sometimes we couldn’t see.” This week, Spring has arrived.

Well, perhaps I exaggerate to some extent but yesterday, Saturday, the temperature got up to 13 degrees Celsius (55.4 degrees Fahrenheit) and, at least in terms of the temperature, it was tolerably comfortable. Mind you, it was overcast and blowing a gale – branches of large trees and the occasional small child flew past the window at regular intervals – but one could almost be forgiven for believing that Punxsutawney Phil had indeed predicted an early Spring. Earlier in the week we even witnessed swarms of small insects making their way in the world for the first time. The birds, I suspect, were delighted to have fresh meat on the menu but I don’t imagine it will last long. The next cold spell is forecast for next week.

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6 February 2011 – Amusements

Following on from last week’s piece about jokes from different countries and how they very often are all about making fun of a neighbouring country or region, I ran across this one the other day which, once again, illustrates the point:

A couple of Canadian Native Americans were driving along a road when they collided with an American car head on. Both Indians and the American were killed instantly.

As they reached heaven, God said “Wait, it’s not your time. You have to go back.”

“How can we go back?” they replied. “Our bodies were mangled in the car accident.”

God pointed to a wishing well and, when they looked down it, they could see the world below them. “I’ll reincarnate you as an animal,” God said, “just say what you want to be and jump in.”

The first Indian ran, jumped into the well and shouted “Eagle!” and he suddenly became a majestic eagle, soaring high.

The second Indian ran to the well, jumped in and shouted “Wolf” and so he became a mighty wolf, running free in the forest.

Astounded and delighted by this the American sprinted towards the well, tripped on a rock and shouted, “Shit!”
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30 January 2011

Good morning to you all from a frigidly frigid Byfield. Interestingly, the weather people tell me that it’s not as cold as it was in the few weeks before Christmas but it certainly seems mighty cold to me! Why do we put up with it?

I’m sure most of you will have heard the excellent news from our friend and neighbour Pete Taylor that the scribblings he compiled on his journey around the US watching a baseball game in every major league stadium and a minor league baseball game in every state without a major league team are to be published in the spring or summer. The book, entitled “Brit at the Ballpark: An Englishman’s Baseball Tour of all 50 States” is described on the publisher’s web site as: Continue reading “30 January 2011”

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16 January 2011

What a week! Busy and full of exciting events as well as those which should have been exciting which, in fact, turned out to be not quite so exciting.

On Sunday afternoon Nick and Lucy came by to join Pen’s folks for the celebration associated with Beryl’s 87th birthday. Clearly 87 is not nearly as significant as a 60th birthday and so the feast which Ms Playchute prepared was almost inconsequential after the one she prepared for my birthday. Still, there was enough to feed an army for a week or so and I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

On Tuesday evening Ms Playchute and I set off at about 5.00 to make our way to Oxford to see the film “The Fighter”. I have to confess, this was probably not a film we would have opted to see except that it was another of these free offers from our satellite provider and, since we can combine the outing with a meal out, we thought we’d give it a go.

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16 January 2011 – Amusements

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated into pairs for the day. That night, one hunter retuned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck.

“Where is Mike?” asked another hunter.

“He fainted a couple of miles up the trail,” Mike’s partner answered.

“You left him lying there alone and carried the deer back?”

“A tough call,” said the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Mike.”
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9 January 2011

This is what winter in England is really all about. Never mind the picturesque snow-covered fields, the lightly frosted branches. Nope, we’re talking real, traditional English winter weather here – on Friday it was just about as miserable as it is possible to be. It was cold, the wind was blowing a decent pace and the rain was absolutely sheeting down. It was grey and dreary and even the dog had to think twice about venturing out for her morning constitutional, hesitating at the prospect which greeted her as I opened the front door. I certainly seriously considered simply letting her out, telling her to be careful with the traffic and reminding her just to give us a quick bark when she wanted to come back in again, but she wasn’t buying it. So out we went and it was, truly, truly awful. It’s the kind of weather that makes you wonder why you ever left the west coast.

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9 January 2011 – Amusements

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, “Well I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the….” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question.”

“Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’!”

Farmer Joe said, “Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.”

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
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