Greg's Occasional News & Views
A young man entered the local Tasty Freeze and asked, “What kind of ice cream do you have?”
“Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the girl replied, wheezing as she spoke and patting her chest and seemingly unable to say much more.
“Do you have asthma or laryngitis?” the young man asked sympathetically.
“Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.” Continue reading “20 March 2011 – Amusements”
Must be quick this morning – we are awaiting the arrival of John and Cilla Jelliffe who are in the UK for a short visit along with Sam and Emma. The last time they visited the UK they failed to contact us so we chastised them roundly when we saw them last. John e-mailed a couple of weeks ago so it seems they have learned their lesson.
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvellous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Continue reading “13 March 2011 – Amusements”
We’re back and I have to confess that we had a splendid time last weekend in Devon helping to celebrate our friend Dave Walton’s 60th birthday. The accommodation was superb, the company very sociable and, as I might have mentioned last time, we continued our training for the British Eating and Drinking Team for the 2012 Olympics.
On the Saturday, as I mentioned, we all trekked up Sharp Tor and waddled our way across Ugborough Moor, a modest distance of about three miles each way. We were very fortunate in that the weather stayed fine and sunny all day but, after torrential rain on Friday night, the moor was a quagmire and a howling wind was driving the next storm in from the northwest. So, as we trudged across the moorland, we sank to our ankles in the peaty bog all the while being blown backwards as we struggled against the headwind. Whatever footpaths there were had become cascading rivers so we spent much of our time navigating up the incline in a zigzag fashion hopping from one bit of gorse to another. About half way up the Tor our path did intersect with a gravel path which, in comparison to the animal trails we were following, was a veritable walkers’ motorway and the rest of the climb was conducted using cruise control and auto-pilot. We all felt as if we had burned sufficient calories to justify the extraordinarily excellent meal at a Chinese/Japanese/Indian restaurant in the nearby little town of Kingsbridge which was outstanding in both quality and quantity.
Continue reading “6 March 2011”
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, “How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and, now that you’ve decided to drag your sleepy heads downstairs, and grace Momma Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I’m only going to say this one more time. I HAVEN’T MADE THE F**KING PORRIDGE YET!” Continue reading “6 March 2011 – Amusements”
I forgot to mention that we are away this weekend. We are, as we “speak” in beautiful downtown West Charleton, Devon assisting Dave Walton in the celebrations of his 60th birthday (which was on Friday). We are staying in a lovely house hired for the occasion along with three other couples, Dave and Sue and their two girls, Ellen and Zoe.
I am sure you will be surprised to learn that we have been having a wonderful time and that we may have eaten (and perhaps imbibed) more than one generally ought to. However, it is a special occasion and it’s been a splendid weekend. I will hope to be able to provide a few photographs next weekend but just to reassure you, it’s not been all eating and drinking – yesterday we scampered up a “tor” (or, in other words, a hill) on Dartmoor which was a suitably challenging endeavour in between all the eating, drinking and general carousing. We are planning to call in on Penny’s brother, Alfred, on the way home this afternoon whom we’ve not seen for a number of years.
Continue reading “27 February 2011”
I believe we’ve had some, if not all, of these before but I repeat them here as a public service. (Hey, it’s what the Big Society is all about!) And, there’s no question – they work.
Amazing Simple Home Remedies
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the women in your house about closing the toilet seat by peeing in the sink instead.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: every few days, simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins without the high cost of drugs. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives — you’ll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
Continue reading “27 February 2011 – Amusements”
It never rains but it pours.
For some time we’ve been dealing with an annoying quirk of our hot water system. Intermittently, when we turn the hot water on it runs hot for about a minute and then starts to run stone cold. It runs hot just about long enough for you to get soaped up all over and then, just as you are about to rinse off, the water turns absolutely frigid. Because it’s an intermittent fault naturally it’s been quite difficult to diagnose. We had one plumber out just after Christmas who replaced the hot water thermostat which seemed to cure the problem – for about twelve hours. Since then we’ve shivered just about every day while waiting for the plumber to have a spare slot in his busy diary to come and try another solution. Continue reading “20 February 2011”
In the hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees’ cafeteria is a source of aggravation. Once I watched two young surgeons approach the serving line.
After reading the posted menu and looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and remarked, “No doubt about it, this calls for a culinary bypass.” And they left.
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
“Now,” he said,” what do you learn from this?”
An eager student gave his answer.
“Well the answer is obvious,” he said ” if you drink alcohol, you’ll never have worms.”
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”
As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself.
To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was.
I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”
Well, I guess Spring must indeed be just around the corner to judge by the snowdrops showing themselves. These were on our walk at Chipping Warden yesterday but they are all over our area; the clump in our front garden has also emerged from its winter slumbers. What I would like to know: how do they decide when it’s time to get up? I am guessing it is temperature related and the brief bit of research I’ve done would seem to bear this out. Last year there were several reports about their delayed arrival because of the very cold temperatures and deep, penetrating frosts in January. Having said that, the weather this winter was every bit as cold although, I guess, perhaps it’s been a bit more pleasant (temperature wise) over the past couple of weeks and the ground is certainly no longer frozen. But how do they tell the difference between conditions now and conditions back in November, say? Answers on the back of a postcard (or, indeed, using the Comment feature). Continue reading “13 February 2011”