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15 May 2011

Good morning on another splendidly gorgeous morning. Let’s hope that it either stays splendidly gorgeous or, if it degenerates as it has done for most of the week, that it actually delivers a significant rainfall – the garden needs it!

This is the time of year when the early morning sun shines through one of our windows directly into, first of all, Penelope’s eyes and then, a few moments later, into mine. It’s a pretty rude awakening at 4.30 in the morning, rather like having a theatre spotlight switched on three inches from your face. For the past week the sunshine at that time of the day has been full-on, the skies have been clear and, when I take Molly for her morning constitutional, it’s glorious. By about 10.00, however, it has started clouding over, the wind picks up and we are teased with the prospect of rain all day. But it never comes, apart from the odd droplet or three. The farmers need it and my broad beans need it, so bring it on! Continue reading “15 May 2011”

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15 May 2011 – Amusements

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she called her husband at work. “I just dreamt that you went grocery shopping, cooked the dinner for tonight and also washed all the dishes. What do you think it means?”

“You will know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. When she opened it. She found a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.” Continue reading “15 May 2011 – Amusements”

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8 May 2011

Welcome home!

So, here we are, home again in beautiful downtown Byfield after a wonderfully enjoyable and agreeable ten days in Hanover, Huletts Landing and Boston.

When last we “spoke” I was relating how delighted I was to be able to provide additional driving opportunities for Dad as we drove to Huletts and then straight back to Hanover to have my eyes checked at the Dartmouth-Hitchcock emergency room. Having been given the “all-clear” we set off back to Huletts on Sunday and enjoyed one of the nicest days I have ever had the privilege of seeing at the Lake. Sandy and I spent early Sunday evening “fishing” (I say “fishing” but in truth Sandy fished and I pretended to know what I was doing by following his instructions as carefully as I was able). Unfortunately, we caught nothing but we were more than compensated for our efforts – the Lake was stunningly beautiful. At dinner that evening Sandy laughed and said to Pam that I had been faced with a problem with which he and she are abundantly familiar – which of the 8,000 potentially fantastic photos do you take? I resolved that particular dilemma by taking all 8,000. (You can see a slideshow of some of the least bad ones here). Continue reading “8 May 2011”

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8 May 2011 – Amusements

A cop sees an older gentleman staggering slightly down the street. It’s 1:00 in the morning. He pulls over for a chat.

“Good evening, sir,” the cop says. “Is everything OK?”

“Why yes, officer, thank you,” the man says, speaking a bit thickly.

“Where are you headed?” the cop asks.

“I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,” the man says with certainty.

“Sir, it’s 1:00 in the morning,” the cop says. “Who would be giving a lecture on that topic at this hour?”

The man nods, looks the cop in the eye, and says, “My wife.”

Continue reading “8 May 2011 – Amusements”

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1 May 2011

OK. Sorry for the delay – is everyone sitting comfortably?

If you have been paying attention, you will know that I am currently in the States visiting Mom and Dad (and if you haven’t been paying attention, it doesn’t really matter). Presently we are at Lake George on a gloriously beautiful Spring day. The sky is clear, the sun is blazing and the temperature must be approaching 70 degrees Fahrenheit (about 21 degrees Celsius). I flew from London to Boston on Wednesday morning, the flight was fine and I had a chance to see some decent films which I have been looking forward to (The King’s Speech, The Social Network and True Grit [the new Coen brothers version] just about filled up the flight). I made a convenient connection with the Dartmouth Coach and arrived in Hanover just before 6.00 pm local time.

Continue reading “1 May 2011”

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1 May 2011 – Amusements

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

As the evening draws to a close, Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?” They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.

Continue reading “1 May 2011 – Amusements”

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May Day, May Day!

I am very sorry that this week’s edition of the Weakly News will be somewhat delayed due to circumstances beyond our control. I hope to have something for you to avoid reading either later today or tomorrow.

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24 April 2011

Royal Wedding Special

SwallowGood morning and Happy Easter to you all. More signs of Spring – we had our first swallow sighting at 23 Banbury Road on Tuesday afternoon and the water companies issued the first drought warning of the season. I am guessing the hosepipe ban won’t be far off.

We are presuming that our first swallow is one of the early scouts checking out the area for suitable nesting locations prior to the arrival of the rest of the crowd. Presumably, he had a quick tour of the garage and the rest of the estate before swooping through the open front door to see what was on offer inside. After inspecting the various luxury suites available, he settled on the main guest room; he whooshed in, flew around, crapped on one of Penny’s best pillow cases and, after some gentle persuasion, finally was encouraged to exit by way of the window. Later that afternoon a second swallow appeared (or perhaps it was the same one) and he too decided that the indoor accommodation was preferable to that available in the garage. This time it was our bedroom which was deemed to be the most luxurious lodging available and again, only after much encouragement, was he finally persuaded to vacate the premises. I’ve now put a notice on the front door explaining that there is no spare indoor accommodation available. Then, on Thursday afternoon we were treated to an exhilarating “dog-fight” as three swallows raced and swooped around the skies, chattering at one another and clearly staking their respective claims to be the dominant swallow in the neighbourhood. It’s great to have them back. Continue reading “24 April 2011”

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24 April 2011 – Amusements

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

The principal is making me write this, even though he laughed again. Continue reading “24 April 2011 – Amusements”