The Befouled Weakly News

This from Dad:

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

“Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”

“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..” – Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second … if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx Continue reading “16 October 2011 – Amusements”

Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. Mister explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife or a date. Since this is there first party, Mister consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, “why don’t you just double the recipe?” She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call — this time quite frantic.

“I just can’t do it,” wifely weeps. “It’s impossible.”

“Now, now, what’s the matter?”

“Well, their recipe calls for two eggs…”

“So, you use FOUR eggs. Don’t you have them?”

“Yes — then it needs 4 cups of flour.”

“Well,” hubby says rather testily, “you will have to use 8 cups of flour — what is the problem?”

“It isn’t the ingredients,” wife sobs, “it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can’t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!” Continue reading “9 October 2011 – Amusements”

Sallie sent these along. We’ve had most of them before, I think, but there are a few ones that I’ve not seen before or, if I have I’ve forgotten.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan! Continue reading “2 October 2011 – Amusements”

Summer was coming to a close. The Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be severe or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught old secrets; when he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell how the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be safe, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be bad and that everybody should collect wood and be prepared.

Being a practical leader, he had an idea after a few days. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked “Is the coming winter going to be bad?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be terrible,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “It definitely will be very severe.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.”

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “Because the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!” Continue reading “25 September 2011 – Amusements”

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere. ”

The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Continue reading “18 September 2011 – Amusements”