Greg's Occasional News & Views
A man returns in the morning to a bar in which he’d spent the previous night. “Is it true that I drank $100 worth of booze here last night?” he asks.
“You did in fact drink $100 worth of alcohol here last night,” the bartender assures him.
“Thank God,” the man says, greatly relieved. “I was afraid I’d lost that money.” Continue reading “20 November 2011 – Amusements”
Well, we’ve had a good week – I hope yours has been similarly pleasant.
We had Nick, Lucy and Annabelle here for the night on Monday as they were in the midst of moving into their new home. The movers had packed up their old house and were going to deliver all their possessions to the new house on Tuesday so they came over for the evening and spent the night. Naturally, Annabelle was a dream and I was even able to introduce her to some of the finer elements of American football.
 |
 |
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?”
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.”
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells.
“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…”
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office. Continue reading “13 November 2011 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all.
Some/many of you will remember that one of my “pet peeves” is the lunacy which we insist on going through twice a year when we change our clocks in the interest of saving daylight. The whole concept is absurd, of course, based on the premise that changing the hands on the face of the clock somehow affects the hours of daylight which we have available to us. Continue reading “6 November 2011”
After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. “All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall.”
Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained.
He looked at the officer and sincerely said, “Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, Sarge.” Continue reading “6 November 2011 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all. We’ve had a good week although we’re still in recovery from the exertions necessitated by the Mwiri Reunion which was held last Saturday.
In the mid-60s, as many of you will know, Penny’s father took a job teaching at Busoga College, a boys’ boarding school in Uganda. The Butlers were out there for two years during which time Penny endured the educational attention of the sisters at the Loreto Convent in Eldoret, Kenya. Continue reading “30 October 2011”
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him, “Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?”
The other fisherman replies, “If you just go up the stream until the water isn’t salty, there are a ton of hungry fish.”
They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later, one fisherman says to the other, “Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty.” He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some.
“Nope. Still salty.” Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check again. “Nope, still salty.” One hour later, they check again. “Nope. Still salty.”
“This isn’t good,” the fisherman finally says, “We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty.”
“I know,” says the other. “And the bucket is almost empty!” Continue reading “30 October 2011 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all. Let’s see what’s happened this week? Hmmm. I’m trying to remember. I’m sure there was something which happened this week that I was going to tell you all about but for some reason I’m struggling to remember what it was.
Oh well, perhaps it will come back to me. Continue reading “23 October 2011”
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before. Continue reading “23 October 2011 – Amusements”
Not much this week – pretty ordinary stuff. Weather has been tolerable and, to be fair, the tail end of the week was reasonably pleasant – a bit crisp and autumnal but at least dry and bright at times.
I am writing this on Friday morning as we are uncertain, at this stage, what the weekend holds. We are due to travel to the south coast to visit our friends Sue and Stuart for part of the Brighton Comedy Festival and the plan was/is to see Reginald D Hunter, an American stand-up comedian who is very well known over here. I don’t know if he lives here full time (I think he might) but he is a regular fixture on a number of British shows including one of our favourites, Have I Got News for You. Continue reading “16 October 2011”