Greg's Occasional News & Views
Jack walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, Jack started to leave.
“Excuse me,” said a customer who was puzzled over what Jack had done, “What was that all about?”
“Ah, it was nothin’,” said Jack, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.” Continue reading “13 May 2012 – Amusements”
And so, in a heartbeat, it is over. We had a great ten days visiting with Mom and Dad, Steph and Hope, Sandy and Pam, Susie and our good friends Chip and Leca Boynton. Can anyone explain why these visits, so long in the anticipation, fly by in a flash?
The flight home was long and tedious but smooth and straight-forward; it left Logan on time, arrived at Heathrow just ten or fifteen minutes late, immigration let me back into the country without too many tricky questions, our luggage was waiting on the carousel for Penelope when she breezed through customs, when I eventually emerged from my interrogations we walked out to meet the bus waiting to take us to our car and, apart from a short delay on the motorway due to an earlier accident, we had a smooth drive home. Penelope managed to snore her way from about Newfoundland to Iceland; I slept not a wink on the flight – I always find it very difficult to find a suitably comfortable position in which to snooze, especially when the person in front of you is reclining comfortably with her head in your lap. Still, a few days should see us right again. Continue reading “6 May 2012”
This is particularly for our pal Pete and his love and admiration for the Chicago Cubs:
60 above – Floridians wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above – New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above – Italian cars won’t start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above – Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan’s water gets thicker.
20 above – Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above – New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees – Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.
20 below – People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below – Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago’s Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below – Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago’s Boy Scouts postpone “Winter Survival” classes until it gets cold enough.
80 below – Mount St. Helen’s freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below – Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg.
297 below – Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below – ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . . “Cold ’nuff for ya??”
500 below – Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series. Continue reading “6 May 2012 – Amusements”
Good morning from beautiful downtown Huletts Landing at Lake George. As some of you will know, Ms Playchute and I flew into Boston on Tuesday and descended on Steph and Hope, much to their eternal disappointment. Susie arrived on Thursday evening and on Friday we drove over to the Lake with Mom and Dad. Yesterday we greeted our good friend Chip Boynton and his lovely wife Leca for the weekend so I hope you will appreciate that you are lucky to get any sort of correspondence this morning. (I guess many of you will feel that you are extraordinarily unlucky to receive this week’s edition and you would probably be right). Continue reading “29 April 2012”
I think we’ve had a variation of this one before but what the heck:
Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…?
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?”
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a f***ing wall!”
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform. She asked. “Are you a policeman?”
“Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report.
“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?”
“Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her.
“Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”
More April showers this week followed by sunny intervals followed by more and more April showers! Good job there’s a water shortage so that we can keep hold of all this water. Oh, I forgot – most of the rain is making its way into the rivers and streams and cascading its way merrily to the sea. Hosepipe bans for the indefinite future, I guess. Continue reading “22 April 2012”
Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”
“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jay never went back. Sometime later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.” Continue reading “22 April 2012 – Amusements”
Now this is more like what we’re used to – we’ve had April Showers in abundance this week which is undoubtedly good news for the water table. No danger of our hosepipe ban being lifted, of course, but we desperately need the rain so can’t complain, really. Continue reading “15 April 2012”
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”
The frog becomes excited, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”
“No,” says the psychic, “in her biology class.” Continue reading “15 April 2012 – Amusements”
Boy! I couldn’t have been more accurate when I said last week that Spring was great while it lasted. The last week of March was sensational – clear, sunny and warm! This week we’ve had the return of Arctic conditions with a stern north-easterly wind accompanied by the occasional downpour of rain, sleet, hail together with a smattering of snowflakes. Just have a look at yesterday’s forecast for the Easter weekend in the neighbouring metropolis of Banbury and you’ll get a feel for what I mean. Continue reading “8 April 2012”