Greg's Occasional News & Views
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.”
The next day, the pastor was over at Emily’s family’s house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, “That’s because it’s empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it.” Continue reading “17 June 2012 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all and I hope you are all in as fine a fettle as it is possible to be. Of course, much of this week has been all about the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee which has succeeded beyond anyone’s expectations in distracting both the press and the general population from the economic turmoil in which we find ourselves. Although the weather has been lousy, there has been much pomp and circumstance, great waving of flags and rousing three cheers. I should have bought bunting futures – bunting manufacturers must have made enough to retire on the sales leading up to this past weekend. Even I have to concede – one thing the Brits do well is put on pageants such as this. Fortunately, for those of us who are not particularly Royalist in our leanings, the various media sites have put together a collection of video clips which mean that we didn’t have to sit through the whole four days of nonsense; there are some excellent time lapse sequences which allow you to experience the events in a matter of moments. Continue reading “10 June 2012”
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth… Continue reading “10 June 2012 – Amusements”
As I hinted last week, we’ve been busier than a one-armed wall paper hanger preparing ourselves for Penelope’s Sixty Sensational Celebratory Surprises which culminated in a grand surprise birthday party last Saturday. This had been literally days in the preparation yet in spite of the general perception that Greg was probably incapable of organising the proverbial piss-up in a brewery, the day and evening actually went off reasonably well. Most importantly, Ms Playchute appears to have been genuinely surprised by the collection of friends, family and acquaintances who gathered in our back garden to greet her.
Continue reading “3 June 2012 – Penelope’s Sixty Sensational Celebratory Surprises”
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say… LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!” Continue reading “3 June 2012 – Amusements”
My goodness, what a busy, busy week we’ve had. And, to make things even better, the weather in the second half of the week has been fairly marvellous – bright clear skies and temperatures reaching into the mid-70s – a veritable heat wave for the UK! I’m afraid there is too much to relate this week so you’re going to get the current narrative spread over two weeks. That means you will have to wait until next time for a detailed description of Ms Playchute’s Sixty Sensational Celebratory Surprises which began on Thursday with Ben’s arrival for her birthday party yesterday evening. In the meantime, though, you will have to put up with an account of last weekend’s entertainments which included a terrific day out in the big city with the usual suspects. Continue reading “27 May 2012”
One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting next to a river, and she dropped her thimble into the water. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, “No, sir.”
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, “No, sir.”
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.
The seamstress smiled and replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.
“Yes!” cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. “You lied!”
The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord — it is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that’s why I said ‘yes’ to George Clooney.”
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of the story: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others.
Signed,
A very good morning to you all.
Penelope and I have been considering replacing some of our windows and French doors. One of the “problems” this house has is that it was built by a chap who then ran off with his secretary sometime before its completion. As a result, the doors and windows stood exposed to the elements for about three years before finally being protected with a coat of varnish and stain. As a consequence, several are in a sad state of repair, especially those on the south-facing elevation. Continue reading “20 May 2012”
“Get this,” said one drinker to his friends at the bar, “Last night while I was here with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
“Did he get anything?” his friends asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, two teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.” Continue reading “20 May 2012 – Amusments”
Good morning from soggy downtown Byfield. Apparently, it rained pretty much non-stop while we were in the States; it’s been grey, miserable and damp pretty much non-stop since we got home although we did see the sun a few times at the end of the week. No sign of the end of our hosepipe ban, of course. In spite of the floods, we’re still in the midst of the worst drought in 25 years. Continue reading “13 May 2012”