Greg's Occasional News & Views
A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”
The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.” Continue reading “26 August 2012 – Amusements”
I have to confess – the Olympics turned out considerably better than many of us would have guessed. I admit to being one of those who anticipated some sort of systemic mishap, an expectation which was considerably enhanced when the organisers displayed the South Korean flag for the appearance of North Korea’s women’s football team the day before the official opening. That, taken with the fiasco of the security arrangements in the days before the games opened, would have supported the perception that the proverbial piss-up in a brewery would be beyond the organising skills of those responsible. However, those particular glitches (and a few other minor misunderstandings) apart, the whole event seems to have been a resounding success.
I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. “Where’s your mother?” I asked.
“She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I’ll see.” Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, “Yep, she’s in the shower.” Continue reading “19 August 2012 – Amusements”
Another fine week passes us by. Fine in the sense of “well, at least it didn’t rain all week long and was only grey and gloomy for much of it.” Indeed, the end of the week included some absolutely lovely days with some bright sunshine and some blue skies accompanied by moderately warm and pleasant temperatures. The ritual incineration of the Best Hamburgers in the World took place on Thursday evening and very fine they were too. Continue reading “12 August 2012”
Penny and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. “Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, “What the heck, I’ll give her a treat.” So I turned and walked her past it again. Continue reading “12 August 2012 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all. I hope everything is fine and dandy with you! We’ve had a mixed week weather-wise so I may have to hold off on last week’s pronouncement that we were about to enjoy uninterrupted glorious sunshine for the next seventeen months. Smatterings of sunshine, lots of cloud and grey skies, a fair number of showers interspersed with the occasional deluge of Biblical proportions. In other words, a typical English summer. Continue reading “5 August 2012”
Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.
“Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”
“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”
“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.” Continue reading “5 August 2012 – Amusements”
Credit where credit is due – the BBC predicted that the Jet Stream was about to move and consequently bring us a spell of decent summer weather. Naturally, I doubted the accuracy of the report and put it down to wishful thinking or an attempt to bury the unremitting stream of bad news with something sure to cheer up the British public. Now I realise that the BBC is 100% accurate in everything they report, I will never doubt their weather forecasts again and I am delighted to be able to set the record straight. Continue reading “29 July 2012”
This came from Sarah. We might have had it before but it’s still cute.
God said: “Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.”
St. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. Continue reading “29 July 2012 – Amusements”
Boy, have we got a bumper edition for you this week – lousy weather and the optimistic prediction from the BBC (so it must be true) that it will all change in time for the Olympics, a technological misfortune, freedom for the Naked Rambler and a trio of farcical Government mishaps – the Olympic security disaster, misguided cuts to flood defence programmes and the collapse of the Education Secretary’s “Flagship” Free Academy. Continue reading “22 July 2012”