Good morning to you all and a Happy New Year! We’ve had a fairly pleasant week with moderately tolerable weather – the cold, cold, cold spell the forecasters were predicting has not arrived (yet) and, for the most part, we’ve had reasonably dry skies. That’s not to say we’re any less water-logged than we have been recently – the recreation ground where Miss Miggins and I stroll of a morning, is absolutely sodden and the railway cutting, which has featured in previous posts, is still under water and hence, impassable. Actually, it’s been flooded and hence obstructed for some weeks now and Molly has developed a new routine – she no longer starts down the cutting but instead now looks at me to seek guidance about the direction of our morning stroll. Nope, we still can’t go down that way, I’m afraid. Continue reading “6 January 2013”
6 January 2013 – Amusements
If you are struggling to come up with (or keep to) your New Year’s resolutions, the following advice may be helpful:
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep?
Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?
Here are some example resolutions that you can use as a starting point.
1. I want to gain weight — at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less (it makes you think — eww!)
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more (starting tomorrow).
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit — maybe smoking.
8. Spend more time at work (surfing the web).
9. Stop bringing lunch from home — I should eat out more.
10. Start being superstitious.
11. Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
12. Create some loose ends.
13. Buy more tech toys (need to replace obsolete ones bought 6 months ago).
14. Get further into debt (easy thanks to #13).
15. Wait for opportunity to knock.
16. Focus on the faults of others.
17. (Mainly, but not exclusively, for women): Eat more chocolate.
And the Absolute Easiest New Year’s Resolution to Keep:
18. Don’t believe politicians. Continue reading “6 January 2013 – Amusements”
30 December 2012
OMG! Did we really eat that amount of food in that short a period of time? And, is there really that much left over? I would include the menu Penelope prepared (along with splendid contributions from Nick and Lucy) but it would take up far too much space. Let’s just say we had turkey, ham and barbequed pesto-salmon along with a huge quantity of vegetables and stuffing along with a choice of desserts. Penelope catered for about fifty-three and there were, in fact, only six of us (not including Annabelle) so what happened to the other forty-six people she was expecting I do not know. Continue reading “30 December 2012”
30 December 2012 – Amusements
I am sorry – I should have included this last week in time for the big day. Still, I employ these techniques most of the time.
Christmas Eating Tips
- Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
- Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
- If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
- As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
- Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
- Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 5 Kilo plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
- If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
- Same for pies. Apple. Summer fruits, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one Summer. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
- Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
- One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
23 December 2012
Good morning to you all and I hope you’ve survived the end of the world. If not, well I guess those whom we mocked were right after all. And indeed, if the world did come to a fiery end, I guess this will never get posted. Too bad.
(If you haven’t already deduced, I am writing this a couple of days early – before the end of the world. In fact, we are off to town on Saturday for an outing with friends and won’t have time to put anything together before Sunday’s publication date. Hence, the early preparation).
I did enjoy Steph’s e-mail the other day which included the weather forecast for the week ahead.
23 December 2012 – Amusements
I received this from Penny’s sister Judi the other day. We’ve seen several previous incarnations but it is topical t this time of year:
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols… feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous any more. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED..
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh “low sugar” fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply “no sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The F****** Holiday Party
I’ve had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your ****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you ****** weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
16 December 2012
Good morning from a soggy, soggy Byfield. We had freezing cold temperatures early in the week which were then followed by milder weather accompanied by lashings and lashings of rain. I suppose that’s what we should expect at this time of year. I had my hair cut on Friday (what little there is left) and the hairdresser asked me which I preferred – the freezing cold or the lashing rain? No contest, from my perspective – since I have to walk a dog twice a day, I greatly prefer the freezing cold. You can always bundle up for the cold temperatures and, at least with freezing temperatures, you and the dog don’t get caked in mud. Continue reading “16 December 2012”
16 December 2012 – Amusements
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child’s kindness, and gave her the dollar. “There you are, my dear,” said the mother. “But, tell me, isn’t the lady able to work anymore?”
“Oh yes,” came the reply. “She sells candy.” Continue reading “16 December 2012 – Amusements”
9 December 2012
Are you kidding me? Snow? Already? Come on!
Yes, we had snow in the week – only a couple of inches in our area, considerably more in other parts of the country – but honestly, what’s that all about? It’s way too early.
Fortunately, it only lasted a couple of days and created none of the usual disruption to transport (in our area, at least). So, having just about managed to get rid of the remnants of the rain and floods of last week, we now have the f***ing freezing temperatures with more forecast for next week. A great start to the winter! Continue reading “9 December 2012”
9 December 2012 – Amusements
I’m pretty sure we’ve had this before but what the heck!
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them,” she said.
”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the manager said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But madam, this check is for $50.00.”
“That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.” Continue reading “9 December 2012 – Amusements”