Greg's Occasional News & Views
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!.”
The plumber quietly answered, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.” Continue reading “10 February 2013 – Amusements”
Good morning on this post-Groundhog Day – we certainly saw our shadows yesterday; it was bright, sunny with clear blue skies. Now what does that mean again? Ah, yes:
If Candlemas be fair and bright,
Winter has another flight.
If Candlemas brings clouds and rain,
Winter will not come again.
It has already been (and will undoubtedly continue to be), a great weekend of sport, possibly my favourite weekend of the year. Yesterday we had the start of the Six Nations Rugby competition in which this year the English team is reckoned to have a decent chance of topping the table. Without revealing any of yesterday’s results, let us remind ourselves that the English team always has the capacity to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory so we’ll see how things work out over the course of the competition. Continue reading “3 February 2013”
Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary sight. As a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her shopping cart began to roll away. The scary part? It was heading straight for my car.
She ran after it, but was too late … the cart slammed into my driver’s side door. “How bad’s the damage?” I called out, running toward her.
“Bad,” she said, gathering her groceries. “I broke at least a dozen eggs.” Continue reading “3 February 2013 – Amusements”
Good morning to you all and a splendid start of the week to everyone. It looks like we are beginning to emerge from the freezer in spite of the weather forecasters’ predictions that we could expect several more feet of snow in the next few days. Indeed, Ms Playchute was to have taken herself swimming early yesterday morning but the forecast for Friday night was so dire that she imagined we’d be lucky if we were able to climb out of an upstairs window with all the snow which they were predicting. So, instead of rising early and taking herself off to the pool, she turned over and went back to sleep without actually checking outside to see that (a) there had been no more snow and (b) the thaw had started.
Now the forecasters are predicting massive flooding with the thaw set to commence and heavy rain predicted for the rest of the week to come. Great – more muddy mornings!
These came from Erik Benson:
Wish I’d Said That!
When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind
The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Jeff Foxworthy
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
Jean Rostand
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
W.H. Auden
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical.
Arthur C. Clarke
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
Steven Wright
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley
The cold, cold, cold spell the forecasters have been predicting is still not here but I suppose it could be a matter of perception. Temperatures for the past few days have been hovering just around the freezing mark which is cold, admittedly, but does that really qualify as cold, cold, cold? I’m not sure. So it was interesting to run across a little comparison site on the BBC web site (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-21044545). While it’s -1 o Celsius here, it tells me that it is -38 o C (-36 o F) in Yakutsk, Russia. So, one can’t really say that we are enduring cold, cold, cold temperatures in comparison. At the same time, it’s worth noting that Los Angeles is enduring temperatures as low as 17 o C (63 o F) and Sydney, Australia is managing to struggle along with temperatures of 37o C (99 o F). It’s all relative, I guess.
I should have had this last week when I was working through our taxes. Not sure that the Revenue will accept this strategy but then again, all Vodaphone had to do was take the head of the service out to a very expensive dinner and he let them off something approaching £4 billion in unpaid taxes. Hey ho!
A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.” Continue reading “20 January 2013 – Amusements”
Well, the cold, cold, cold spell the weather forecasters have been predicting for the past week or so has still not arrived. Instead, we’ve been blessed with the arrival of merely a cold spell. We awoke to a smattering of wet snow on Saturday which looked fairly pretty as it was coming down but which melted more or less the moment it hit the ground. Everywhere is still muddy as distinct from frozen which, in my view, would be preferable. If it is going to be cold it might as well be very, very cold – I could do without the mud and sludge. Continue reading “13 January 2012”
Dad sent me the following selection of old print advertisements the other day. They make interesting reading and provide a fascinating insight into the ways in which we and society have changed in the last forty or fifty to a hundred years. I wonder if, in a similar time span, we will look back on the current crop of advertisements with a similarly bemused outlook. My personal favourites: Cocaine toothache drops (what’s not to like), guns as suitable Christmas gifts, the tapeworm diet (as mentioned here before) and how television benefits your children. Click an image to see a larger version.
This came from Dad:
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’ Continue reading “13 January 2013 – Amusements”